“Why am I SO angry?” Mom Rage, the Mental Load, and Maternal Burnout
Takeaway: “Mom rage" is a real thing. Unmet emotional needs, feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, and dealing with a lack of support leaves moms feeling ready to explode with mom rage sometimes.
This article provides some ways to manage stress and maternal rage in a healthy way - beyond just taking deep breaths.
Postpartum Rage and Mom Rage
Maternal anger, anger outbursts, postpartum rage, mom rage, maternal rage, irritability... whatever you call it, you probably know what I'm talking about.
That seething, hot, unrestrained, explosive anger that shows up sometimes at even the smallest things. These anger outbursts in response to daily life and make many moms feel they aren't doing a good job parenting their child or like something is wrong with them.
As a maternal mental health therapist, I have had mothers in my office telling me the most surprising thing about the postpartum period is how angry they feel. Women who are usually level headed and calm find themselves asking, "why can't I control my emotions?" and "what is going on with me, I can't believe how angry I get with my children!".
If you're a parent and feel shame around your anger, keep reading, we're going to break this down.
What mom rage feels like
What does mom rage feel like? It can feel difficult to control - it's intense and explosive, making you want to throw something or scream. You might have outbursts or irritable responses that are out of character for you. It's usually not a one time thing, but more like a constant feeling of simmering anger under the surface, making you feel on edge, annoyed, and at risk for yelling or snapping at your child, family, or partner. You might even feel surprised and frightened by the strength of your anger at times.
Mom rage and it's impact on you can really get in the way of you being the person and parent who you are or want to be.
Why mom rage happens
There are so many reasons anger and rage shows up for parents. Let's talk about some of them here.
Anxiety and overwhelm
Anxiety and overwhelm can be major factors in developing mom rage. Mom rage has even been described as an anxiety problem rather than an anger problem!
Think about this - when does rage show up for you?
And what might be under that anger: anxiety or fear?
Anxiety and fear are sneaky and uncomfortable. Anger can sometimes be an outward expression of that discomfort.
Sleep Deprivation
Life is so much harder when you're sleep deprived. And parents with little kids are chronically sleep deprived, with moms being hit hardest.
Sleep deprivation increases stress hormones and messes with your ability to regulate your feelings and think clearly. In other words, when you're getting up with your child multiple times a night and you're sleep deprived, emotions are high and cognition is low. You might find it harder to keep calm when dealing with the big emotions of a toddler (or your own!) or the well meaning (unsolicited) advice from other adults.
Lack of Support
All our emotions have a job to do - feelings are feedback, and anger is a powerful messenger that clues us in that we might have some unmet needs. Moms are often shouldering so much with caring for children, keeping a family and household running smoothly, navigating postpartum recovery and physical changes, working through difficult emotions around going back to work, and making SO MANY decisions with a new baby or young children.
Parenting is hard. Moms need and deserve so much more support than most of us have in parenting.
“The Mental Load” and the division of household labor
The mental load is all the planning, thinking, idea generating, and keeping track that women do in our heads. Here's an example:
The division of household labor and shifts when a child enters the picture. Even in households where household chores and tasks were shared relatively equally between parents before baby's arrival, research shows that after baby, mothers take on the larger load of the extra work.
And it is SO much extra work. Changing a new baby's diapers and potty training a toddler, scheduling and attending doctor's appointments, preparing meals, breastfeeding or preparing bottles, cleaning pump and bottle parts, researching and purchasing baby gear, responding to night wakings (see the sleep deprivation section!), managing visits from parents and family, dealing with a sick child... this is not even close to a full list. And all of this is a 24/7 job. We can't do it all, these are unrealistic expectations. The costs of shouldering this load is high: to our health, to our relationships, and to our children. No wonder you're exhausted and on edge as a parent, no wonder you have mom rage.
Overstimulation
Mom rage can easily boil up when you're feeling overstimulated - and this happens a lot as a mom. You're feeling "touched out" from having a nursing baby or a toddler with sticky hands on you all day, the visual clutter of toys and laundry piles is making your eye twitch, and the Tonie Box is playing Frozen while Alexa is playing Caspar Babypants and the timer is going off and the dog is barking, and someone is yelling "mama!". Ahhh!! So. much. input. The phrase "I can't hear myself think" finally makes sense when you become a parent. Or maybe you feel your rage building as you're sweating wrestling your baby into the carseat or looking at social media and feeling the pressure to lose weight or "bounce back" after literally just birthing a human...
It's a lot to take in. Overstimulation is a huge trigger for mom rage. If you feel like this, you're not alone.
Why we need to talk about mom rage
Because you're not alone and no one is perfect
So many parents experience this. We all benefit when a mom shares her story, because it shows us the truth, that we aren't alone and no one is perfect.
In our adult lives, we feel pressure to have it all together all the time. And we often think others do. When we see another parent keeping their calm with their kids in public while we lost it on our toddler on the drive to daycare this morning, we think "I'm the only one who feels like this. My kids deserve a better parent." When the reality is, all parents struggle and no parent is perfectly calm with their children all the time. We're imperfect humans on a parenting learning journey with our children! You're not alone and no one is perfect. Perfect isn't the goal, because there's no such thing as perfection in parenting.
Because guilt and shame like to stay hidden
We can't talk about mom rage without talking about the guilt and shame that immediately follows that intense feeling of anger or that release of slamming the door or shouting at the kids. That flood of embarrassment and the thoughts like "what is wrong with me, why am I yelling at a child?" can make us want to hide.
As Brene Brown wrote that these feelings need three things to "grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment." (You didn't think a social worker was going to talk about this without quoting Brene Brown, did you?!)
Bringing the rage to the surface, shedding light and fresh air on this experience is how we lessen it's power and
Because mom rage is a symptom of postpartum depression and anxiety
Anger and irritability can be symptoms of a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder, a mental health condition such as postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. Anger and irritability might also be present for you if you experienced a traumatic birth. Remember how anger can be an outward expression of fear and anxiety? Birth trauma or a NICU stay might have left you feeling raw, vulnerable, and afraid for your child. You might be working through grief - grief for your birth experience, grief for your expectations- and that might come out as rage.
Mom rage is a great signal to mothers that you might need some mental health support around postpartum depression and your mental health. Acknowledging that you need additional support is the first step in helping you be the parent and person you want to be for your children and family.
An example of maternal anger and mom rage and what to do
Coping with maternal anger and feelings of rage can be difficult for parents. Although it’s normal (and totally okay!) to feel angry, it’s important to recognize rage so that you can find healthy ways to manage stress and to cope. Identifying your anger-related triggers, learning to self-soothe, and managing stress can support your mental health so you can be present with your children.
Here's an example from my own life. I'm a mom of two kids, a baby and a toddler. There was a week this summer when my kids were home for five days for their “summer break" from child care. These five days also included two birthdays, a Disneyland trip, and Father's Day, so it was a schedule-packed, sugar-filled, short-naps and late-bedtimes five days. It was fun and it was exhausting. It was filled with joy and celebration and it was filled with hard moments and anger and frustrations. It was overstimulating. Big time.
Anger showed up for me when I had that frustrating feeling of my attention being split: trying to meet my children's basic needs, de escalate tantrums and tears, and dealing with my dog barking at everything out the window while working on new research and writing. I was overstimulated, overwhelmed, and over-needed.
Like so many other mothers, I worked from home with two kids and no childcare and then limited childcare for two years during COVID shutdowns and then the [on-going] childcare crisis.
The stress response I experienced during this week was so strong and brought difficult, negative emotions of it all back.
And you do know what came up most for me?
Anger.
Ever want to let out a primal scream in your kitchen or feel the urge to drop everything and walk out the front door? You’re not alone.
Ever throw something or slam a door? And then feel horrible? Yep, been there.
And when I'm there, I remind myself of this:
This doesn’t say anything about who you are, it says something about what you need.
Feelings are feedback, and anger is a powerful messenger. It tells us when something doesn't feel right or fair or when we aren't getting our needs met.
I needed to be able to focus on my work and feel connected to my kids. I needed help, because I couldn't do it all at the same time.
So what did I do? I allowed myself to feel and I repaired.
Here's what that looked like:
I was out on a walk with my two kids and my dog, drinking my coffee and answering emails on my phone. The dog pulled at the leash, knocking my full cup of coffee to the ground. Cue the rage. Cue wanting to blame the dog, the stroller, the emails, the stupid cup that broke. And here's what I heard: a little voice say “Mama, what's happening with your coffee?”
I took a deep breath and I said “Mama's coffee fell down. I dropped my coffee and it spilled. That made me feel so angry. I'm really feeling mad about it."
I let myself feel angry, because that sucked. And then, I said “I'm so mad. But I can make another cup when we get home. No big deal."
I allowed myself to feel.
And that was the end of my bad mood. Just kidding. Later I rushed my daughter to get into the car and she cried when I lifted her into her carseat (because she likes to do it all herself!!) and I said “we HAVE to go RIGHT NOW, you HAVE to stop crying!". Which always stops a kid from crying, right? Not my finest moment.
Cue the guilt. Cue the “I'm a bad mom” thoughts. Have you felt the same way?
My signal to repair.
I repaired with myself by reminding myself that anger is a human emotion, a normal reaction, and I am more than my latest behavior.
I repaired with my daughter in the moment and I repaired with her later, cuddling her before nap time.
When we name feelings and talk about ruptures with kids, even when they are young or don't seem to understand exactly what's happening, we are 1.) confirming what they know - that something didn't feel right in moment and they can trust how they feel 2.) building connection with them 3.) modeling that all feelings are okay and ruptures and repairs are part of healthy relationships and life.
And there are a lot of times I don't allow myself to feel and I don't repair in the moment or later on. I'm not perfect, I'm learning.
So what can we take from this story from a real mom?
Understand your triggers
It helps tremendously with those negative thoughts about yourself if you can identify why you might be feeling so ragey. In this case, I was being triggered by difficult memories of working through COVID, feeling unsupported and overwhelmed by all the demands on my time and energy. With that knowledge, not only can I give show myself some compassion and understanding, but I can also avoid situations like this in the future and create boundaries around combining work and caring for children at the same time. I can set myself up for future success.
Make it right
Perfection is not the goal, perfection is not possible. It's worth repeating! You will make mistakes as a parent - you will yell at your child, you will act in ways that aren't aligned with your values or who you want to be to your kids. That means you're human. Admitting to our kids when we get something wrong and repairing with them is necessary and healthy. It will actually make your relationship and your attachment with them stronger!
Admit you are struggling to a partner or friend
I keep repeating the fact that you are not alone because I want you to ditch the guilt and the hiding and reach out for help when you need it. It's easy for us to think we are the only ones and that we "should" be able to do this all on our own - we've been told this in so many ways for so long! But you don't have to do it on your own, and you can't. Talking with your partner, a friend, or another supportive person can be so helpful. If you need help talking with your partner
Get enough sleep
Managing sleep deprivation might feel impossible at times, but there are strategies you can implement to make sure that both you and your baby get restful sleep. I wrote a whole blog post about it! You can read all about it here, and here is a quick overview:
Take turns with your partner.
Set realistic expectations.
Create a sleep schedule.
Embrace naps.
Ask for help.
Carve out time for yourself.
Get all the details at the full post.
Seek Support
Share when you are struggling - to your partner, a friend, other mothers, or other supportive people in your life. There is help and you don't have to go through this alone. A therapist can help you learn to regulate your emotions (yes, even the really strong ones!) and manage anger and other uncomfortable feelings. A therapist can help you learn to set boundaries and set you up for success as a mom.
You can find therapists with specialized training in supporting parents at postpartum.net.
Beyond deep breaths: self-care and burnout
Okay. So now you know that you are not alone, that many other moms experience the same feelings you do. You know what mom rage feels like, what it might look like, and how to acknowledge your feelings, recognize anger as a messenger and repair with yourself and your kiddos. We also know why mom rage happens - and this is great! Because when we know why something happens, that means there is a predictable path along with it builds and there are things we can do to prevent it and address it.
Recognizing triggers
Recognizing your triggers is so important - when you see that trigger coming, it's an opportunity to get ahead of the mom rage and prevent it. Overstimulation, carrying the mental load, lack of rest, anxiety and overwhelm - whatever your particular triggers are, get familiar with them. Notice when you are feeling angry and what's going on around you and inside you at that time. This can be the first step in knowing when you might need more support or what you can avoid in the future.
Self-care: meeting your own needs
As Snicker's marketing team so eloquently said "you're not yourself when you're hungry". When your own needs aren't met, you're more likely to feel depleted and have a lower tolerance for all the demands of parenting. Maintaining self-care routines that meet your needs and fill you up doesn't have to be elaborate or luxurious - just making sure you get to eat food you enjoy (not just shoving down your kids leftovers as you load their plate into the dishwasher!), connect with friends, and have time to yourself when you can rest and recharge goes a long way.
Avoiding burnout
When you're depleted and running on empty for too long, you're at risk for maternal burnout. This happens to so many of us. And going hard caring for others without caring for yourself takes a toll. According to Motherly's 2021 State of Motherhood survey, 93% of mothers say they feel burned out, at least occasionally. Burnout is physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. If you are experiencing burnout, a great place to start is talking with your partner about what you're experiencing.
Some resources to check out for support
If all of this is sounding very familiar and you're looking for more support, check out these resources:
Fair Play for New Parents - an upcoming virtual workshop to support parents in managing the division of household labor and childcare.
In person and online therapy with a licensed therapist in California
