Our First Chapter: Telling and Retelling Your Birth Story
Takeaway: The telling and retelling of your birth story, the first chapter of your life with your new baby, can be transformative and healing for you AND can encapsulate and hold this important story for your child. This article includes some prompts and tools for telling the first chapter of your story with your child.
Telling and retelling your birth story has several benefits. You can use the story of your experience to create an heirloom for your child, a legacy story that gives them roots of knowledge and a deep sense of connection to their foundation and beginning. And it can provide YOU the opportunity to process your experience.
I asked some mothers to share about their birth experiences and this is what they had to say:
"The birth of my son was amazing - nothing like I expected, but just one of the best experiences of my life."
"I didn't realize how healing my second birth was until I really went back and told the stories of both of my births."
"I felt a lot of peace during the birth, even in the hospital in the midst of a really scary, emergent situation."
"Giving birth was so emotional for me."
"It was so scary. I felt really out of control."
"It was important to me to process my birth story so I could really be present with my daughter in the first weeks and months of her life."
"Telling my birth story has helped me identify the moments of empowerment, and connection, and healing that I want to be able to share that with my kids."
"It felt familiar. Like I had done this before, like I was made to do it. I had a lot of confidence."
"What I want my son to know is how much it was worth it. Even though it's not the experience I planned, it was perfect because it brought him to us."
"It was a great introduction to being a mother, because I had to let go of control. And that's true of all my births."
"Processing my birth experience has allowed me to see the strength and resilience that I gained in all the fear, pain and trauma of the delivery experience - and those are qualities I want to pass on to my babies."
Every birth experience is different, every birth experience is sacred. Whether you had a vaginal birth at home or a c-section in the hospital, whether you had unexpected intervention or it felt like the most natural process in the world. Whether it was a very positive birth experience or was difficult and scary. Whatever happened, it was likely a mix of pain, joy, fear, and it was significant. It was transformative.
Reasons to tell your birth story
Your birth story is filled with meaning, emotions, and abundant opportunities for growth and transformation. Whether the experience was what you hoped for or was entirely different from what you had envisioned, there is so much benefit in sharing your story and having support to find clarity and make meaning from your birthing experience.
The culture that we live in minimizes the significance and powerful impact of childbirth on women. Telling your childbirth story, from the very beginning to the moment you met your baby for the first time, provides space for reflection and acts as a bridge, connecting and honoring your transition to motherhood.
If you had a positive birth experience, birth story telling and processing can be an intentional time to reflect, acting as a natural celebration of the journey into motherhood. If you are experiencing feelings of disappointment or regret, birth story telling and processing allows you to recognize negative thoughts and feelings in a therapeutic space and shift your focus to seeing your story through a lens of strength and capability gained.
To remember what it was like
Like many experiences, with time, the details of our births can fade, and our memories shape-shift. Writing our birth stories down is a powerful way to preserve the story of our childrenβs birthβfor us and for our kids.
At the time, you were probably convinced that you would remember every single contraction or those long, long minutes waiting to go into the delivery room or operating room to meet your baby. Do you remember the little things, like what it felt like to watch your due date come and go? The way your husband, partner, or significant others reacted when you said you might be in labor, the pain you had to overcome, calling or texting your midwife when it became clear your baby was coming? What was the drive to the hospital or birth center like? Or the setting up of your home for the birth? Did you feel like the classes, literature, research, and advice had prepared you? How about your birth plan? Who was in the delivery room with you - a birth partner, family members? Did it feel like the world stopped when you first saw your baby? Do you remember who came to visit the baby or any other positive experience in the labour ward?
It can all slip away so quickly. Even the most positive birth experience can fade away. Many people find it helpful to access medical records, review photos, or talk with significant others who were present to put together a more complete picture.
To process the experience of giving birth
Telling your birth story is a powerful and positive way to reflect on and learn from your birth, be heard, and honor one of the most intense experiences of your life.
Like most people, my own experience with childbirth was complex and complicated. That's the nature of birth. It was incredible, it was terrifying, it was whole body, whole mind, all-consuming. It was so important for me to make meaning of the experience of giving birth and to attach to the power of my birth story. I needed to tell the story and to listen to the story - to find the positive things among the hard things and to connect with my baby and my body. I needed to process and integrate the event that brought my baby to me, the very first chapter of my motherhood, her life, and our relationship.
Making meaning of your childbirth experience can actually have a positive impact on adjusting to parenthood. A study of new parents showed that the presence of meaning-making language in birth narratives benefits the couple relationship and acts as a buffer against stress, helping ease the transition to parenthood.
To honor and reflect on your transition into motherhood
The immediate demands of postpartum and motherhood can rush us past the intensity of childbirth. From a woman to a mother. Telling your birth story allows you to pause and process that intensity. The story you tell yourself and others about the profound experience of birth impacts how you view yourself as a mother. Working through the complex layers of your story can help you better understand the monumental shift in identity that comes with birth and can place you on solid ground to start your motherhood journey. The story of the birth of your baby - and the birth of you as a mother - is well worth telling.
To heal from difficult parts of your childbirth experience
Not all childbirth experiences will result in a positive birth stories. A traumatic birth experience can make a person feel stuck, making it difficult to focus and move forward. If you feel distressed or donβt feel quite right about your pregnancy or birth experience, you can benefit from additional support or treatment. The most important factor is how you feel about it. Many women suffer alone. You deserve support to process feelings about your childbirth and the impact on you and your family. Your mental health matters and there's help and supportfor you.
Some women don't recognize their pregnancy or childbirth experience as a traumatic event until they begin to reflect on and share their story. Working through the complex layers of your story can help you better understand your experience of childbirth and the emotions involved. Telling your story, from pregnancy to labor to the moment you met your baby for the first time, provides space for reflection while also helping you acknowledge and identify your current mental health needs. For more on birth trauma, read my blog post "Healing from Birth Trauma".
To create a narrative you can share
Telling your birth story can help you create and reflect upon an empowering narrative of your birth, capturing your birth experience for your baby. It's their story, too, after all. My baby recently had a birthday and over the years as my husband and I have reflected on her birth, the memories, key moments, and the emotions that stand out about that long three days of labor and her birth has changed and shifted over the years. There can be a feeling that it's all just going so fast. Being able capture the moments, to be able to hold, encapsulate, remember, store, and share the story of how it all began with your child is beautiful.
All Birth is Powerful and Meaningful
What is a positive birth experience?
Giving birth can be a positive experience filled with joy, empowerment, and connection with your body and your baby. Many pregnant women dream of and plan for a positive birth experience by talking with their husband or partner, doctor or midwife, about their birth plan during pregnancy. According to the childbirth classes that I took before my baby was born, the idea of a positive birth might include laboring at home for as long as possible, eating and moving during labor, having a "natural" birth with no pain control and a woman feeling connected to her body as she works to overcome contractions with focus and determination.
This might be your idea of a positive birth! Or it might be a birth in a hospital with as little pain as possible so you can focus on being present when meeting your baby. Or some women may focus more on having a positive birth that simply includes a midwife or doctor who will listen to their wishes and provide intervention in a hospital when needed.
Every woman has a different idea of what a positive birth experience looks like. Someone who had a positive experience might use words like "safe" "joyful", "empowered", or "proud" to describe their pregnancy and birth. If you had a positive birth experience, telling your birth story gives you an opportunity to reflect on your feelings of accomplishment, empowerment, and connection. It can be a celebration of the beginning of your relationship with your child.
What is a negative birth experience?
You might think of your birth experience as negative if it was difficult or traumatic. No pregnant women reading positive birth stories preparing for labor and delivery imagines that the birth they have planned will be drastically different in reality, and might even be traumatic. There are many reasons that might have been your experience - here are some of the common reasons:
It didnβt go as planned or expected
There was an emergency
Your baby needed care in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit)
You felt scared or unsafe
You felt abandoned or alone
You felt violated or powerless
Women who have had a negative birth experience might describe feeling scared, vulnerable, let down, lonely, helpless, or confused. If you are experiencing feelings of disappointment or regret, birth story telling and processing allows you to name and express negative thoughts and feelings.
No matter how your birth went, this is just the beginning of your motherhood journey and your beautiful relationship with your child.
How to tell your birth story
Birth is such a powerful emotional and physical experience, so you might notice strong emotions and memories coming up for you when you are reflecting on your experience. I hope that you will find and recognize strength, integration, and empowerment in your story. You created a human after all (and I'm guessing that human is pretty cute, too). Here are some ways you can tell your birth story.
Write your birth story
How do I write about my birth?
If you're not sure where to start, you can use my workbook, Your Birth Story, Prompts and Exercises for Reflection. This workbook includes prompts to help tell your story from the moment you knew it was really happening to the first moments you met your baby. The workbook includes sections for identifying key moments, creating a detailed timeline, and prompts to highlight and cement meaning for yourself, birth partner and your child. It guides you in seeing the big picture to help your brain and body start remembering your pregnancy, labor, and childbirth, then working through the complex layers of your story to help you better understand what happened and why you feel the way you do about it.
The workbook includes ways for you to check in with yourself about your reflection and go forward to share your story as well as resources for more support.
Here are some questions to help you start remembering and reflecting on your birth experience:
What do you remember about being pregnant?
What was your birth plan? How did your experience and the reality of your birth match up with that birth plan and your expectations?
Did you go into labor near, on, or past your due date? How did that impact your feelings leading up to the start of labor?
What was your first thought when your baby was born? What was the first thing you said to them?
Read other people's birth stories
Reading other people's birth stories can be incredibly helpful when it comes to writing your own birth story, offering insight into the various experiences and emotions that come with childbirth. Additionally, reading birth stories can create a sense of community and connection with other mothers, reminding you that you're not alone in your experiences. There can be such an intense natural combination of pain, joy, focus, and relief in birth - and even though every experience and situation is unique, there is a lot of commonality and overlap that can serve to connect women and inspire you as you reflect on your own experience.
Remember with your partner
Talking with your partner about your labor and birth experience can be helpful. Not only will it allow you to combine your memories and knowledge, it can also be a positive way to bond and connect. However the birth went down, you went through it together on the day you gained a new family member!
Tell your birth story when you are ready
Birth is significant, it is sacred, and it is intensely personal.
Don't feel pressure to talk about your birth story if you are not ready. The best time to tell your story is whenever you are ready. This could be very soon after the birth experience, or much later. Some mothers feel the need or desire to share their story right after labor, in the early days of postpartum, and some need time and distance before they are ready to make sense of their experience. Your comfort and needs are as unique as your individual experience. Many women find they want to revisit their birth story and talk about what happened when they begin to plan and prepare for a subsequent pregnancy.
Sharing your story with supportive others or a therapist can be healing. If you are struggling with attachment, anxiety, depression, or difficult or negative thoughts about your birth experience, you might benefit from therapy to address trauma, anxiety, or depression.
If your experience was traumatic and remains very difficult to think about, you may benefit from processing your birth story in a therapeutic setting with support. Working with a trained therapist to address this trauma can help you heal and find peace, confidence and strength in your birth experience.
Share your birth story with your child
Writing your story, on your own or with the help of another person, a journal, or a workbook can cement and preserve the story for your child. Sharing your birth story with your child not only passes along the knowledge and facts of the day they arrived, but also narrates their first chapter with tenderness, love, and gratitude. It's a way for you to express how pivotal that event was in your family and hold those memories for them and can be a valuable resource for your family. It can provide insight into your experience and help your loved ones understand the emotions and challenges you faced during this transformative time.
Your Birth Story Matters
Your birth story is a unique and important event that deserves to be remembered and shared. Telling and retelling your birth story can be a powerful tool for processing the experience, reflecting on your emotions and feelings, and creating a beautiful, lasting record of memories for yourself and your family.
Your birth story is the gateway to the beginning of your journey to parenthood. It is a testament to the strength and resilience you possess as you navigated the challenges of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. In telling your story, you honor your hard work and celebrate the incredible achievement of bringing your baby into the world.
Your birth story is your family history. It is a unique and special story that deserves to be preserved, a record of an important event and all the hope, joy, fear, love, and celebration that surrounded it.
Get support in telling and processing your birth story from a maternal mental health therapist
Therapy for moms
Your story doesn't end after your baby is born - it's just the beginning of your journey into motherhood. It's a beautiful journey, filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, and always new challenges. Therapy for moms can support you in the early days, months, and years of motherhood. If you have questions about therapy for moms, contact Poppy Therapy for support.
Birth trauma therapy
If you are suffering after a traumatic birth, therapy for birth trauma can help heal the emotional effects of your birth experience. Birth trauma therapy can help you feel better so you can move forward with a sense of control, peace, and safety for your mind and body. You are not alone and there is help.
