1. Melissa: An overwhelming, exciting, wonderful first year with twins | Episode 1
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Weβre joined today by Melissa. Iβm excited to host her as she shares the story of her first year as a young mother of twins - a year she calls one of the hardest of her life and describes as βoverwhelming, exciting, and wonderfulβ.
Melissa talks about:
Managing extreme sleep deprivation
Her experience with health and medical anxiety after a melanoma diagnosis in postpartum
How strong communication and βnot letting the little things become the big thingsβ helped keep her marriage strong
The importance of connecting with other moms for support
Transcript:
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Thanks for being here with me today.I'm talking with Melissa about her first year as a young mother of twins. Melissa was so generous in sharing her story and some of the challenges she faced in that first year, including managing extreme sleep deprivation and issues withher own health that increased her anxiety postpartum.She also shared some great insight on keepingyour marriage or partnership strong through what she called the hardest year of her life. Thanks so much for joining us today, Melissa.
Melissa:
Yeah, thanks for having me.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Tell us about yourself and your family.
Melissa:
All right. My name is Melissa, and I am married to my husband, Brit, and we have twin daughters, Harper and Emma, that are seven.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What three words would you use todescribe your first year of motherhood?
Melissa:
Okay, three words. Definitely overwhelming, exciting, and wonderful.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What was the model in your head of motherhood? What did you think that your first year of motherhood would be like?
Melissa:
I feel like my ideas of motherhood weren't even necessarily shaped by my family's ideas, but from what I saw of friends and I always think about this- Brit, and I always say, there's this couple that is our neighborhood that we just looked up to so much, and we wanted to parent just like they did. And they both worked full time.They seemed like they had really good balance. It appeared that they didn't let their kid rule their schedule at the time. So they would take him out, and he would always be around and just like the easiest chillest kid and the chillest parents, and we always thought that's going to be us.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Was that you?
Melissa:
Absolutely not. Not even close.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
So the expectation did not match your reality?
Melissa:
No. Our girls took over our entire life.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
So tell me more about that. What did that look like?
Melissa:
Okay, well, I think just the nature of having twins madei t so that they had to be on a schedule. So from pretty early on, they were on a strict schedule. And with feeding, we can get into this more, but breastfeeding was a huge deal. So when they were little little, our lives revolved around their eating. So it was just 24/7, their eating. And then once we got to the point where they could sleep train, it was then revolving around their nap schedule and bedtime.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. I imagine with twins, it's like, as soon as you finish a task, like feeding or getting them down for a nap, it's time to start a task for the other one. Or start over.
Melissa: Yeah, definitely. And we remember just thinking when we would change their diaper and get them dressed, like, wow, some people would just be done.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci::
So you mentioned feeding and sleeping. Two of the big challenges in the first year. How did you feed your babies?
Melissa: So they were born at 37 weeks, so they were full term, but they were very little, so they needed to stay in the NICU just for a night for observation. Emma was four pounds 10oz. Harper was five pounds 2oz. So they were just little. So they started out just on a bottle and with formula. And I was having a hard time recovering from the C section.The anesthesia didn't wear off very well or as quickly as it should have. So I was stuck in my recovery room, and I didn't get to see them for, like, 12 hours, which I think shaped our breastfeeding and made that a little bit harder because they were given bottles the first 24 hours.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
That sounds like it's really difficult, being away from them and then, your own physical recovery and then jumping right into caring for them and learning how to breastfeed. What was that like for you?
Melissa:
Yeah. I think I had a lot of anxiety - while I was pregnant with them, and then when they were born, I had more anxiety and intrusive thoughts of, are they okay? And in the moment, I wasn't upset that I wasn't seeing them because in my head, I was thinking, well, they're well taken care of. They're fine. I'm recovering, they're fine. And I think that my anxiety kind of made it hard to attach to them right away because I just wanted them to be okay. And I was doubting myself that I could be the best caretaker for them in that moment. So in that time, I didn't really feel anything. But after I'd say once we got home and got settled, I started feeling a lot of guilt for that, and I started feeling like, you just read so much- like, did I mess them up long term? Are they going to have anxiety or attachment issues? You just read everything and just start regretting it. Although there was nothing I could have done in hindsight in that.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, totally. You hit on so many of the things that moms experience, like feeling guilty, feeling so much anxiety and worry about, like, you have these brand new babies that are completely under your care, and especially I hear this from NICU parents of, okay, they're well taken care of, they have all these professionals around them (whether it's a day in the NICU or months in the NICU). You take them home, and all of a sudden, you're the one who's responsible for them, especially with your first.
Melissa:
I mean, I only have the two, but when it's your first, you just don't know, yeah, absolutely.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
And then tell me more about sleep.
Melissa:
So when Harper and Emma were six months old, my husband and I had not slept more than 45 consecutive minutes. Just like, so tired. I donβt even think there's a word for it. Just doing dumb stuff to the point where it wasn't safe. Like my husband getting in, like, a fender bender. I remember I went to go do laundry and I started the dryer three times and there was no clothes in it. And that's when we realized we have to do something, so we did do sleep training. So we hired a sleep consultant. It was a virtual one, and she put together a sleep plan for us. And with one of our twins, it was so easy and she was sleeping through the night within a day and was fine.The other one just did not have as easy of a time, and there was a lot of crying on all ends and it was challenging, but eventually she got it. I think it just took a couple of weeks.
And also, there's so much guilt. As a mom, I felt very guilty for doing sleep training, but also we used to take care of ourselves because we were not safe to take care of babies. We were just so tired.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, thank you for sharing that. I think that's one of those issues that can be really polarizing, right? There's a lot of thoughts on both sides, and it's just doing the best thing for yourf amily, and that includes you and your husband and being able to be safe.
Melissa:
Yeah. And to be honest, too, we were not 100% on the same page every night. When Harper was screaming and crying, I wantedt o just go console her immediately, and my husband didn't want to do that right away. So that was always just another layer of stress added too, you know. We eventually got on the same page and it all worked out. It always gets better.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
So, Melissa, you're an educator, anda t this time you were teaching. What was it like for you to go back to work?
Melissa:
Yeah, that was a time that was confusing. I didn't go back until they were seven months, which I'm so grateful for that time. But when I did go back, I kind of felt an identity shift of⦠I didn't really feel like I belonged at work and I just wanted to be home, but I needed to be at work, so it was very confusing. But then it was also really hard to get back in the swing of it, adding pumping and all of that. So, yeah, that was challenging. I ended up going part time, and I'm very grateful for that time, but for anybody who that's not an option for, it's a really hard thing to have to leave your babies in the care of somebody else and trust them.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. What did you do for childcare?
Melissa:
So we hired a babysitter for that time, and it helped with their sleep schedule and their feeding schedule, so that was the best thing in that moment. I probably, if I were to do it again, would put them in some sort of childcare facility. They started that when they were two and a half, and it was just so nice to have something so dependable, so safe. So if I were to do it again, I probably would have gone that route. But at that time, we just had a nanny, which is very expensive and comes with its own set of issues, but we were grateful to have her for as long as we did.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. So many challenges, so many different feelings that can come up about going back to work after having a baby. I love how you talked about the identity shift and almost like, struggling with knowing where you fit. Right? Like, you leave work as one person, you come back and your whole world is turned upside down and your identity. And also you were dealing with all of these practical challenges of not getting sleep and feeding your babies and all this stuff that moms are taking on, on top of working and trying to figure out how to go back to work.
How did your idea of self-care shift during that first year?
Melissa:
I really don't think I had any focus on self-care during that first year. I think the best part of self-care I could do was going on walks. So I think before, I thought of self-care as, like, getting my nails done and getting a facial, and then all of a sudden, you don't really have time for that. It's just not an option anymore. So exercise, moving my body doing yoga, going on walks. I think that was kind of how that shifted.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What emotions or feelings come up for you when you think about that first year, what it was like for you?
Melissa:
So kind of back to when you asked the three words that would describe it. It was the most wonderful, joyful, soul-filling time, where you're just filled with so much joy, but in the same time, so much fear and anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. And it's confusing because you feel it all at the same time, and then you feel guilty for feeling the negative feelings. Does that make sense?
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Absolutely, yes. All of it and all at the same time. Yes.
So you mentioned a lot of anxiety. Can you talk a little bit more about what that was like for you that first year? Feeling anxious?
Melissa:
Yeah. So when Harper and Emma were two weeks old, I got diagnosed with melanoma, and it was stage one and, you know, really scary, but the best case scenario. But it brought on a lot of medical anxiety for me. And throughout that year, I think that kind of shaped the intrusive thoughts I had. And in my times of feeling extremely overwhelmed, that is what I kept coming back to and it became very overwhelming. So the first two weeks I had got this melanoma, and then I also lost my grandpa, who I was very close with. So I think those two traumatic situations right after giving birth to twins and going through all the other hormones just made my recovery so much harder. It was much more complex. I was dealing with postpartum anxiety and medical situations, so that was definitely a challenge for beyond the first year, I'd say the first two years was overwhelming.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, absolutely. And what kind of support did you have or who did you have to kind of rely on during that time?
Melissa:
Yeah, we have a lot of family close by, which is helpful, but I think during those dark times when it was just the most hard, I had such a solid group of mom friends that had babies the exact same age, and it was so helpful having them. Especially when I was out on maternity leave. And I had another good friend who was out on maternity leave at the same time, and she would come over like three days a week and we would walk to Starbucks and get a coffee. And just having that time to bond with somebody else who is in the throes of it is so helpful.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What makes you feel proud about your first year as a mother?
Melissa:
That was one of the hardest years of my life, and I think just getting through. Just making it through and my girls are great and they're thriving, but for myself, just mentally trying to find a balance and really having to hit my anxiety head on and deal with it. We all have bits of anxiety, but once you have a child, I think every mother has a little bit more than they had before.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci
Yeah. Getting through. So what did it look like for you to take your anxiety head on?H ow did you address anxiety and how did you find some relief from that?
Melissa:
So the first thing I did when I really realized that my anxiety was more than just typical mom anxiety is I started going to therapy. I found a therapist close to our house that I would walk to. She was wonderful. I'm so grateful that I found that because I know it's hard to find somebody who understands. And she was just the perfect fit for me at that time. And she did EMDR with me. Did that help me? Yes, it did. But I think more than that was just talking through how I was feeling and figuring out how to move forward with my own and not get so stuck in my thoughts. So some practical tips she gave me that really helped was just doing a lot of journaling and understanding my anxiety better.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Thank you for sharing that. Something that you and I have in common is that we are both allergy moms. So one of your twins has pretty severe allergies that she was diagnosed with in the first year. What was that like?
Melissa:
Yeah, it's funny you bring that up because⦠I forgot! Oh yeah, that did happen. Also in the mix. Yeah, it was really hard. So when Emma was six months old, I gave her green beans for the first time, which I had made in my house as her first food, and she broke out in widespread hives and swelling and yeah. We were just like really how in the world could she be allergic to green beans? And then after that, every time that I fed her, she would break into hives.So there was like three months where she was just covered in hives. Her eczema started. She was always having an allergic reaction, so Benadryl constantly, and there was a lot of fear around what the heck is happening to her, we can't figure it out. So finally, after lots of blood work and testing, she came out allergic to eggs and tree nuts. But the egg was the most significant, and she started reacting so heavily to cross contamination. So that's why she had broken out from the green beans, because it was a shared pan. And that also complicated breastfeeding, because I couldn't eat a lot of things. And then I had to then also figure out, like- you think of eggs. It's just eggs, which sounds so dumb now that I've been through this food allergy thing for so long, but I didn't think about mayonnaise or bread or cupcakes. So that was a long road to figure that out. And during that time too, I switched her to formula for a little while just because we couldn't figure it out and she wasn't reacting to that. So that was hard. Lots of testing and then finally figuring it out. But it added another layer of feeling isolated because we couldn't go to people's houses anymore because she would break out in hives so easily. And her allergies eventually got pretty bad where it was even airborne and it was affecting her breathing. So it was isolating for sure during that first year.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Is there a moment or a period of time that really stands out to you about that first year?
Melissa:
Looking back, there is one time as I was thinking back, because at this point in my life, it was almost eight years ago, this first year. My girls are going to be eight pretty soon. So it was a long time ago. And I was thinking back to that time. And I have a couple just very distinct memories.
I have one memory where the girls were about two months old and they both just could not stop crying. They were both just screaming and wailing, and I was trying to feed them, but I was having a hard time tandem feeding them. And my grandpa had just passed away. And I remember just feeling so overwhelmed. And I took them both, and I just walked outside and there was this rose bush that my grandpa's sister had, and he loved it so much. And I just stood there and stared at the rose bush, and I was crying and they were crying, and I was just thinking, like, how the heck am I going to do this? And I just had this overwhelming sense of peace and I'm going to be okay, this is going to be okay, it's going to get better. And I'll just never forget that moment of just looking at that rose bush and holding them and just feeling like, okay, this is okay.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
You were managing all of this with twins, managing sleep, allergies, your health, your anxiety, all of these things this first year. What was that like for your relationship with your husband? What were some of the challenges that came up for you both?
Melissa:
Yeah, he was very supportive during this whole time .I think for him, personally, it was a shift. And I do feel for him during that time because there's so much focus on the moms, obviously. But he also had to figure out how to work full time, in fact he went back to work when the girls were six days old, because he did sales and he was 100% commission at the time. So he was just straight back to his normal work hours, traveling and then also not sleeping and then dealing with me, who was sometimes a little bit of a basket case and trying to make me feel better and then still care for himself. So I do think that that first year could have really caused a lot of issues, and it didn't. It did bring us closer together in the end. There were some hard times. I think the hardest part is just not letting the little stuff become the big stuff, because we were just so tired and constantly nitpicking and snappin gat each other for the littlest things, especially in the middle of the night. One would get up, he would get up to go warm the bottles, and I would get snap at him for something dumb. So figuring out how to communicate, I think, was huge. But, yeah, overall, I think it definitely did make us stronger, but it easily could have torn us apart. Easily. I could see how taxing it could be on a marriage.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
When you think back on that first year, what are some of the best memories that you have?
Melissa:
That's a great question. Watching my girls become who they are and who they are now, it's incredible.
All the milestones, like, watching them learn to sit and walk and run and communicate in their own way was just the most incredible thing. So that was definitely by far, my best memory.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Tell me about your girlsβ first birthday.
Melissa: Yeah. So funny, because this is a long time ago. What the heck did we do on their first birthday? I remember their second birthday. I do remember that we had a big party. I don't remember if it was actually on their birthday, but we did have a huge party and invited everybody, and it was such a important celebration for Brit and I for getting through that first year. Like, wow, look at what we've done. Look at, like, we made it a whole year. And then after that first year, life got so much easier, and it was a huge accomplishment and a huge shift, personally. And it's also a little bit sad in a way. It's like, oh, man, that's over. It was really hard, I'm glad it's over, but they're just getting older and older.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What words of encouragement or wisdom do you have for moms who are in it right now?
Melissa:
My words of wisdom are just to find a community, find a support system, and know that it's okay and it's going to get easier.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
I agree.The support system is invaluable. Where could people find you to connect if they have questions for you about being a twin mom or just want to connect?
Melissa:
Well, DM Molly, and then she can give you my contact information.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Perfect. Thank you so much for sharing a part of your story with us, Melissa, and being so vulnerable and open about what the first year was like for you. I'm sure there are many mothers who can relate to some of what you talked about today, so thank you so much.
Melissa:
Yeah, you're welcome. Thanks for having me.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci: I hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as I did. If you loved this episode, please share it with a friend, review it, and subscribe to the podcast.B e sure to check out the show notes for links and information about any resources we mentioned in this episode. Thank you for listening.
