2. Nikki: An exhausting, confusing, tender first year with 3 under 2 | Episode 2
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Nikki is a mother of three, both by adoption and birth. Nikki describes her motherhood journey as going from “famine to feast” - after 7 years of trying to start a family, Nikki became a mom to three girls under two… in the midst of COVID and a cross-country move. Nikki shares about sleepless nights and loneliness, learning to ask for help, celebration, gaining resilience, and growth. Lots of growth.
Nikki talks about:
Resetting
Asking for help, both for the practical things and for emotional support
Self-compassion and perspective in parenting
Fighting well in partnership and seeing the big picture
Letting go of comparison and embracing celebration
Resources:
Managing Sleep Deprivation as a New Parent
From Nikki:
The Connected Child by Karen Purvis
Adopted for Life by Russell Moore
Calm Parenting Podcast
Transcript:
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Today, I'm talking with Nikki. Nikki is a mother of three both by adoption and birth. She describes her motherhood journey as going from famine to feast. After seven years of trying to start a family, she became a mother to three girls under two in the midst of COVID. And across country move.
Nikki beautifully shares about sleepless nights and loneliness, learning to ask for help celebration, gaining resilience and growth. Lots of growth. All right, Nikki, tell us a little bit about yourself and your family.
Nikki:
All right. Well, I'm Nikki and I'm 36 years old. I grew up in Southern California. And then in 2019 is when my husband and I moved to Michigan, no kids. And then, three months later, we adopted our daughter. And so she is three years old. And then right away, I found out I was pregnant. And then so that's 2020. And then our daughter was born in November of 2020. And then after she was born a few months later, I found out I was pregnant again. And so we have a one, two ,and a three year old Mara is three, Ellie is two, and Sarah is one.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What three words would you use to describe your first year of motherhood?
Nikki:
Three words I was thinking about were definitely exhausting. Exhausting, confusing, just because there's so many different methods out there and methods to do probably like everything. Methods and content. Content’s good, but there could just be too much of it. So confusing. I really thought year one that was that was kind of tough. And then tender. really tender. Tender with myself, tender with my husband, and then tender with the babies. So yeah, year one, for sure: exhausting and confusing. But tender.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
I love that, tender. That is such a such a good word to describe that time. What was the model in your head of motherhood? What did you think your first year was going to be like?
Nikki:
I definitely thought it was going to be very much like a learning curve. But at the same time, I wanted to be hands on mom, you know, make the purees ,make things. And then also breezy. Just like yeah, let's be breezy. So I don't know. Yeah, combine those two! And I mean, as you can put together, it fully shifted. Because of COVID.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
That reality, yeah. Not matching up with that expectation of breezy. There was nothing about COVID. That was breezy. How did that impact your family and becoming a mother?
Nikki:
Yeah, so I became a mom in 2020 - January. And then pretty much right away we were like hearing about COVID. And so you're just like, okay, wipe down things. And then I found out I was pregnant, which also, you know, was a different dynamic for the first year because you just want to soak up your baby. And for me and my husband, we just really wanted to have that big connection with her, which we did, because you're really the only ones that are around her with COVID. A
But also at the same time, being pregnant. I was nervous. I’d had two miscarriages. We call our story pretty much from famine to feast. We've almost been married 10 years. And so the first seven years we were trying to start a family. And so with that, we're doing all the infertility stuff and everything like that. I know this is kind of like sidebar, but we're just doing everything that we could think of to find out that there was something that was causing the early miscarriages. And God shifted us and brought our sweet daughter into our home in 2020. And so, me being pregnant was definitely not in my mind at all. Then it happened. And so it's like, okay, here we go, this is happening. But I was nervous. I was super, super nervous because of everything that had happened. And then you're in the middle of COVID so it's just this is a strange time. We had just moved to Michigan, so you know, I'm not around my closest friends. We have so much family here. Our family from my husband's side is here, and I'm very close with them. So that was wonderful. But you're just all navigating what this pandemic was, and like, it was just very hard. Because I craved having people around to be with me and Mara, and we did have a close circle. And that was so helpful. But that was really interesting. Having that very first year be what it was COVID and being pregnant and figuring that all out. And we did!
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, so it sounds like some some nervousness, some uncertainty, some loneliness was the reality rather than that. breeziness that you expected.
Nikki:
Yes. Very much. So, yeah.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What challenges did you face that you didn't anticipate?
Nikki:
The challenges, I would say, like, you nailed it on the head with the loneliness. I didn't expect so much of that. But even in different ways, just like being alone in, like your thoughts. Okay, so am I the only one that feels this way? And, and especially with the pandemic, like, am I the only one like this, because if I say the wrong thing, then these people aren't with you. There were just all these different sides. And so the loneliness because you're craving connection, because of your exhaustion. You're tired, and your mind isn't always there. And then I just needed help, too, because I was getting more and more pregnant. And I had a five month old who was very active, and just ahead of the schedule. And so yeah, it was it was a time where I, I needed some extra help, which I got it. And so God was definitely gracious with me in that, the family that was here, they provided much. And so that was something where I struggled. But then there was that relief. You know?
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. It so helps to have family nearby. What else?
Nikki":
Well a lot of the things that helped was, like I said, asking for help. That was huge. Talking to my sister, talking to my sister-in-law, talking to just people because I had moved away from California. I was missing my friends. It was funny, though, because everybody was feeling lonely during that time. So, you know, I'm missing something when nothing was really even happening, right? There wasn't a lot going on. There wasn't a lot of that even happening. So even though I craved it, the reality was everybody was wanting to be together. But asking for help, talking to my sister, I remember there's one time there was a shift in naps. And it was so difficult. Like, that was my hour. That was when I could get things done. And this is after, so I'm not just talking about that first year. Because I've had like three first years! And so now the shift is like now pregnant with Sarah, the third. And they used to be amazing at naps. And then they weren't. And that was really difficult for me. I know for a week, it was so hard, because something had to change. And they're allowed to change, these babies. They will go through all the different things. But for me, it was a struggle. And I told my sister and she goes this is just a season and I know you'll hear this often all throughout life, but you will get through this and maybe do like a Hello Fresh, right, maybe do whatever it is, like do something that will help with the food, do something that will help with like… ask for help in those practical ways. That was big. So I was like, okay, not just like asking I need somebody here, but more like, I need help with food. I need help with laundry. I need help with day-to-day things where I thought I could do it all, and I just can't.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, so those practical things, taking something off your plate. And it sounds like also someone telling you there's hope, like this will not last forever. It can feel like it's going to last forever when you're not sleeping, like the sleep deprivation, the very high needs of infants. And then you're also physically not feeling good because you're pregnant. Yep. So many layers.
Nikki:
Yeah, it was interesting, the third pregnancy because I felt like I was just dealing with postpartum and then doing it again. And so I felt like, this is gonna be silly, Molly, but my hair was a big thing for me. And it was just like, oh, I can't even feel good in this area. But, you know, again, it's a season, and it's okay that I felt that way during that season. But then at the end of the day, you're gonna get through it, you really will. And what's funny is, I would hear people say that. I would hear people saying, “you're gonna get through it. This season doesn't last.” I wanted the validation. So the people in my life that heard me and said, “I understand what you're dealing with is tough”, because like, you just want people to understand or to hear you like, in your kind of pain, right? Instead of be like, “No, I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. It's like, okay, I get it.” But I'm here. I'm there. It's like, “Yes, you are”. And so even just somebody saying like that instantly, like when my husband will just be like, “that is so tough, hearing three baby scream. And that is, that's tough.” Yeah, that alone is so helpful for me. And sometimes I can't explain it. I want somebody to know to say that, but that they can't read my mind. So I have to tell people sometimes, like, I need you to just know that this is what I need to hear right now. And then I can move forward, I can start doing the things I can like, get all the tasks done, and actually have a joyful spirit and actually play with my kids and do something silly. And we talk about resetting a lot. We can reset, let's just reset. Sarah is crying right now, because she's a baby. And I know it's hard to hear screams, even Mommy has a hard time hearing it. But we can always reset. And so that's a new word for us.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
I love that. I love that idea of resetting. And it sounds like, Nikki, you have such self-compassion and such perspective. You feel like you had that during those first years?
Nikki:
It was definitely harder to gain the perspective. I definitely have compassion, like, there were times where in the middle of the night, one of them is just crying, and you know, they need sleep, you need sleep. And so you're just, I can say angry, you're angry. And so I would just be pretty upset with myself that I would feel that way. And so then what I had to do to shift my attitude was kiss them. I literally just had to kiss my baby. And then it's like, okay, they don't mean to be screaming right now. Now, that didn't always help me in my frustration, it just let that second kind of like, let that second pass. Okay, that second turns into a minute, and it will pass whether they are up for an hour or not, you know, and so, I really I had to learn that. And I think that's why a lot of growth happens when you become a mom. You're just continually learning. Now if you kind of just stop and then you're just stuck and that's when it's tough. So I continually have to regain that because I can't go in a cycle. You can go and talk negative about yourself. But then I just gotta shift. And like I said before, there's a lot of content out there, but the content can be helpful because then you can get tools and you can say, Okay, I'm not alone. This is a normal thing to think about and what tools can we do? Okay, I can kiss my baby. Great. That's a tool for me.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
That's a beautiful tool. I used to tell myself when my babies were crying, “when I soothe my baby, I soothe myself.” Emotional regulation for yourself is such a big part of parenting. That was a big surprise to me, They can't self regulate. I'm gonna have to regulate myself and they borrow my regulation, right? And so learning, okay, when I soothe my baby, I soothe myself. We're in this together. It's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that tool.
How did the idea of self care shift for you during that first year? Or first years!
Nikki:
Yeah. The first year of self care was… I think for everybody, really wasn't there. And because that was COVID year, right? So you're just trying to survive that first year, and then going to 2021 with Ellie’s first year? It was more so just trying to get that time. And again, I will say I asked for help. And when I asked for help - I've told my mom, I've told my nieces who helped so much - I tell them, I'll ask, and it's your responsibility to tell me yes or no, because I can handle it. So don't be afraid to ask is what I kind of tell people. Unless they can't handle the No, but I can because I know that I will just put myself out there because I need it. But I also know that other people need their time, too. So I fully get boundaries. But that's how I do a lot of self-care is just either ask for help and then go do it. I do a lot of CrossFit. And so a lot of like scheduling with my babysitters is so that I get in gym time to make sure I get that. And my husband also built some kind of like a rowing machine and a few things down in our basement. So I use that pretty much every day. And it's become a sweet thing for me and my girls, and they'll help me with some things. Sometimes it's a stress, they won't let me finish a few things. But that's a big, big part for me in my self-care is making sure I get a workout in and that just helps me mentally in a huge way.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci::
Yeah. What makes you feel proud about your first year as a mother?
Nikki:
Um, I would say that was like, resilience. Resilience was a word in my head, that I'd think. I’m pretty proud that we can go through so much and so much can be thrown at you. And to get through it with your spouse, you know, and just really talk things through and or allow that space to be able to get through these really hard challenging times together. That's what I think is just pretty neat, that I love. And I said before, just growth: growth mentally, physically, just a lot, a lot of growth. Yeah.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What do you think helped you and your husband be successful in connecting that first year, being on the same page and being able to be resilient?
Nikki:
Well, so I think we have in our favor that we're almost 10 years married. So we had seven years without kids, where we really, really used those years up well. During those times, of course, you're wanting and you're continually like, “when is our family going to start? What what's that going to look like?” For us, we definitely had those feelings, but we took the time to travel, we took the time to go see our family. We, I think we really used those years well, We see why God allowed us to be without because we got to know each other. A lot of families don't get that, you know, or couples, they have kids right away. And then you're just kind of trying to learn you as a couple with kids. And that's so challenging. So we kind of knew how to fight well together. Got through a lot of big hurdles in those first seven years. And then new ones happen because, you know, you're now a couple with a child or two or three and so then so many more challenges happen and the fact that we were able to get through like okay, we know how to fight and this looks a little different now, but we know that this isn't going to be the worst thing. So get through it. Let's talk through these things.
For me a big thing that would often happen at the beginning of our marriage was, I would think things were the end of the world. So are we going to get through the simplest, smallest little fight, you know? I would just blow it up, so to kind of knock that one down was so helpful, it was just the best. Because now, when we have an argument or whatever that looks like when we have to make a decision, it's not the end of the world, we're gonna get through, and that is no longer in my head. Now what's in my head, is just, you know, the babies. And so it's just finding the time to talk and making that key. And we don't do a plan, like, okay, make sure it's every week - it's just making sure you find it when you can.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Is there a moment or a period of time that stands out most to you when you're looking back on that first year?
Nikki:
So I'm gonna go into I have three moments. Is that okay? So with Mara, it was definitely a lot of concentrated time mixed with me needing to rest and just figure stuff out. But I just remember being outside with her. And that was just big for us. And even to this day, she loves to go outside. So it was just this thing where we were in this new home we have this lake in the backyard, and something I couldn't have dreamed of! And here, you know, with this little blessing of a baby. And so that was really huge for me, where my husband was working on the deck, and I'm outside, and now Mara was just smiling and just so happy. And that one was like, okay, like, Lord, this is good. This was really good.
And then for Ellie, so she and Mara, they're 10 months apart. And they were under this, like, it's like a rainbow. And that's a pad where you kind of like they look up and they have like little dangling. What's that called? A a tiny little play gym, play mat! And she's looking up at it. And Mara goes and sits next to her lays next to her, she's showing her and I'm like, how is this 18 month old just showing her little things and pointing everything and wanting to already teach Ellie so many things? And that was really, really just a special moment for me.
And, and then with Sarah. Last year, I was looking at them, I was holding all three of them. And I was just exhausted. So what was a moment of just me, just tired. I may have been crying. Mara looks at me and she's two because we had three - no, she wasn't even two yet. And she wipes a tear away from me hugs me. Ellie just smiles. And Sarah just was quiet for those moments. And I'm like, wow, okay, like this was, like I said tender. And I just was like, okay, we we wanted this for so long. And then I had no clue, when we moved in 2019, that in 2022, our arms would be full and kind of exploding with babies.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
So beautiful. This has become my favorite part of the podcast, about these memories, because just hearing you describe with each of the girls, these long-awaited, loved daughters, and these special moments where it kind of sounds like you realize like, I have what I wanted. And she's here, they're here.
Tell me about Mara’s first birthday.
Nikki:
Mara’s first birthday. She was into “If you're happy and you know it”. And so everything was just smiley faces and happy. It was sweet. So remember, I had just had a baby that was two months old. And it was January of 2021. And we're all just kind of like, should we get together? Can we? And all the things, but it was great. We had our family over and it was just a sweet, sweet time. And yeah, I really enjoyed it. I was able to kind of plan it which I don't know how but we did!
And then with Ellie, we call her Ellie Bean and so there was this cute little jelly bean theme. And my niece is a graphic designer, so she pretty much did the cutest little like poster and we got that up and yeah, it's, it's fun. I like to decorate but then at the same time, I just love to be with our people. So we kind of just do a lot of that.
And then with Sarah, it was two days before New Year's Eve. So we pretty much had a New Year's Eve party, waited a few days and had the family over. And we switched it, it was I can't remember the theme, honestly. But my sister, because she used to bang her head- she still does it- she bangs her head on her highchair when she's done eating. And so my sister was like, we should have a headbangers ball for her birthday. We're gonna shift it! We thought of it that day, but we didn't. And anyways, it was a New Year's Eve party. And yeah, we've just had family over. And it's really kind of low key. And for me, I like to just have the little theme.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What words of encouragement or wisdom do you have for moms who are in it right now?
Nikki:
I heard this. I can't remember from who, but I heard this and it really stuck out to me because we moms do a lot of comparing. And so I heard somebody say “nobody is a better fit mom than you for your children.” And that really just stuck out to me. Like, because you think oh, this person probably would do better, this person probably thinks this… It's like, okay, they may have thought of something different. But you are their mom, and you were picked to be their mom. So I love that one a lot.
And this helps me just in day-to-day, not even just mom, but to stop comparing and to start celebrating people. That's just a huge one in general. But yeah, that one really has helped. And to open up to people. Just open up your home, or say to somebody like, hey, I do need a meal. Or I do need a coffee. I have a friend that I texted, like I love making coffees. And so I texted like, you want one? Yes! And I absolutely love it when people say yes, I never find it a burden. And yeah, kind of that vulnerability and that openness creates this trust and safety. And when you can find it, grab a hold of it. It's pretty sweet, even in all the different seasons of life. Because, yeah, every season is tough, because I feel like yeah, we're in the hard times, but I know it's gonna get a different tough. And so just to know that, like you're seen, right now, in this season, not just “let's get through it”. There are those days that need to be survival, but to really ask like, okay, how can I get help in this season? And then how can I enjoy this season? And then yeah, let's move forward, because it's tough, but it's doable.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yes, thank you, Nikki, so much for your vulnerability and I just hear so much celebration in your life. And that is - I love that - I feel the warmth, I feel the celebration in your family and thank you for sharing that.
Nikki:
Oftentimes people, even this morning I was at Target with all three of them, and people look at me like, “Oh, you got your hands full!” I'm like, whatever, I’m a walking circus and I kind of just have to go with it. You have to just roll with whatever you got. And when you can't keep rolling, ask for help.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, absolutely. And Nikki, do you have any resources that you would like to share with listeners?
Nikki:
The first year, with Mara in particular, because it had been so long of wait for children, every nap and everything I cuddled her which is totally wonderful and fine, but then getting pregnant so fast, we needed sleep. Now Mara is definitely such a capable little girl, so I was able to put her down, even at three months. She wanted her crib. I would recommend some type of sleep method or help. I don't think I agreed with it at the beginning. It was just like, no, that's fine. But it was definitely necessary and having other people put her down, too. Now this all shifts, because now they're all a little bit older, and we're in a new season and things are different. But that was really helpful to do a type of sleep training then. And so we did a Taking Cara Babies for Ellie. And it worked amazing. And her method I think, I just really liked because she's not like, “just leave them to it, and they'll figure it out., they'll cry themselves to sleep”, you know. She talks about all the different types of how families are started and so how you will want that connection and how you need that. And also, they need that to help them in their development. And that was really huge for us. And Sara's maybe the best or the easiest to put down. But we didn't have to do anything with her. So it mean to each their own, honestly. But that was a big one for us that we really that was super helpful. Just some type of sleep because that was what we needed. At that moment. I couldn't have three babies in our room. I was going a little nuts.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Are there any resources that you want to share for adoptive parents?
Nikki:
Yeah, we really liked the Connected Child by Karen Purvis. And in our family there are a lot of adoptees, so we have a big kind of circle where we can ask questions to our family members, so that is huge for Rick and I to be able to seek. Even our adoption attorney, in California, he’s easily accessible so we can just ask questions. So if you are going through the process, I would say that book. There’s also a podcast that we really love, called Honestly Adoption - that one is pretty wonderful. It just gives you really helpful tools to navigate all the different seasons.
