4. Jess: “I Found Myself” in the first year of motherhood | Episode 4
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Jess is a mother and a fertility coach and doula. On this episode, Jess shares about her self-discovery in her first year of motherhood - learning to accept change and be adaptable as a mother, finding clarity, and most of all, finding herself.
We talk about asking for help (everyone should take notes from her neighbor on how to support a new mom!) and the importance of sleep in her healing from postpartum anxiety.
Jess talks about:
Identity shifts and self-discovery in motherhood
The mix of emotions that come with postpartum and early parenting after infertility
The importance of sleep in managing and healing from anxiety postpartum
Learning to ask for help and find resources
Resources:
Managing Sleep Deprivation as a New Parent
Managing Postpartum Anxiety and Scary Thoughts
How to Support a New (or New Again) Mom
From Jess
Jess's website
Jess's instagram: @fertilityjess
Transcript:
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Today I'm talking with Jess, she is a mother and a fertility coach and fertility doula, Jess’s passion, enthusiasm and her optimism is absolutely contagious. And I think you'll really feel that through listening to her share about finding herself in motherhood, accepting change, and learning to ask for help in the first year of motherhood.
Alright, thank you so much for joining us today, Jess. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself and your family?
Jess Tims:
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I am so honored to be on the podcast and a big fan of the episodes that I've heard so far. So I'm Jess Tims, I'm a Holistic fertility specialist and I support women who have unexplained infertility, women who have experienced pregnancy loss, and women who are using IVF to navigate their journey towards motherhood. And all of this started with my own experience and my own journey. And so I did have infertility, unexplained infertility. And it took me over two years to get pregnant. And fast forward to today, my son is one month from turning four years old. And we are back now in Long Beach, California, we moved back this year. So we're really happy to be back in Long Beach. But my journey, I guess, is kind of what led me to my life's passion now, which I get to do for work. So have a lot to share on this podcast!
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What three words would you use to describe your first year of motherhood?
Jess Tims:
I love this question. And I was really trying to think about like, three individual words, but it actually came into a phrase. So I have a three word phrase. Which is, “I found myself”. And finding yourself is not easy, right? So there's nothing easy about the journey, but “I found myself” is exactly how I would describe that first year.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What was the model of motherhood in your head? What did you think that motherhood was going to be like?
Jess Tims:
Yeah, so you know, I really, I am a type A go-getter, like, I always have been. Like, student body president, you know, I got my degree, I got my master's degree, I found the love of my life, like I had all these things going for me. And I was working really hard to do all of those things. And my thought was, when you have a baby, you just keep doing that path, and you just add baby in. And then you know, and not that that's a bad way of thinking, I just never really thought about, like the changes I would have to make to accommodate now a whole, like a whole new relationship, right, with someone in my life. And so I had this idea, I had this whole like to-do list for when I was on maternity leave. I had all these big ideas, like I was gonna have all this time off, and I'm gonna have my little baby and I'm just gonna do all these things. None of them got done. Because he had his own plan, right? Like he's this newborn baby. And so it was a big awakening, to say the least. And I was in a very different career at the time. So I had planned, you know, just do the normal maternity leave and go back to work. But I ended up having very severe postpartum anxiety, which we can totally dive into. And that, luckily extended my leave from work and really helped me focus on what I was becoming, which was a mom.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. And you touched on something that I think is so interesting about this process of matrescence, of becoming a mother, that it really can introduce you to your mental health for the first time. Almost like, you have all these things that have been working for you that you've been doing- you've been checking off your list, right, and then all of a sudden, like, you'r whole world turns upside down - like, in the best way- but it can be completely unexpected.
Jess Tims:
And when you say that so beautifully, I have like, chills all over. Like it, it forces you, that first year especially, it really forces you to be able to ask for help, which I had never had to do before. Like, I could do everything on my own. I did a lot of things on my own. And there was just certain things, I just needed help. And so I had to learn how to do that. And it's kind of a trifecta, right? Like, your body is impacted, your mind is impacted, and it's a huge soul move, becoming a mother. And so it's like the first time in my life that all came together. And so you're just thrown into this new space where you can't really be yourself anymore, you have to rise to the occasion of now being a mom. In such a beautiful way, but it's pretty tricky. It was tricky for me.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
And so new.
Jess Tims:
So new and and we've talked about this before, like, no one can prepare you for it. And I remember my husband and I talking like, why didn't anybody tell us, right? Like, that was my one of my biggest things like I, I came home- I laugh because it's hilarious- I came home from the hospital with this perfect little human. And I didn't sleep, like I would hold Maddox, my son, while he slept, and I would mop the floors. Because I wanted everything to be perfect all the time. And I had developed this serious postpartum anxiety where I just was like, I’ve got to do it all, all the time. And that meant I can't sleep. And I remember being like, “why didn't anybody tell us?” Like people would say, “oh, sleep now before the baby comes.” But no, I didn't know what that meant. Which for me, I eventually went and saw my OB, and she was like, “You have got to sleep”. That was step one. And then that led the path to my healing from that. But um, yeah, I just felt like, nobody had prepared me. But in a way, I don't really know that you can be prepared because everybody's journey into it is different. Right? So and you have this unique opportunity to find yourself in your own way.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
So there were all these challenges that you didn't anticipate. And some of that was trying to like, function at this level you were functioning at before. But now with a tiny baby. What else came up, some challenges that you didn't see coming?
Jess Tims:
Yeah. So to give kind of more like, depth and breadth to it, like I was, that was my mindset and I really think, you know, bigger picture, like the universe was really pushing me in this direction of “you need to learn how to ask for help”. And I was so not there. And so at five weeks, my son had surgery and had to go back to the hospital, he had double inguinal hernia surgery. And it was at that point that I literally couldn't do it all anymore. So we left, the surgery luckily was real quick, like we had to go home, like within 24 hours after we only were there one night in the hospital. But for us it really rocked our world. You just, you already have these feelings of like, anxiety and nerves and you're like, “Am I able to keep this baby alive?” And then there's this big surgery. So that was the moment where I was like, okay, something's gotta give, right, like I need to be able to ask for help. And I remember reading this like pamphlet from the hospital that was about postpartum depression. And it was like, if you have these symptoms, go talk to your doctor. And I had all of them, like all of them. And my husband's like, you should really call your doctor. Luckily, he was very able to stay honest and open with me throughout the whole thing, which was really helpful. And so it was at that point, like five weeks in and we were like, okay, let's enlist help, because we really wanted to do everything on our own. And, you know, this was before COVID. So we were lucky in that sense where we could have people visit and all of that, but it was at tat point where we were like, okay. So that was probably one of the biggest challenges, coming to the realization that I don't need to do it all myself and I can't do it all myself. And so asking for help.
And I think the other challenge was just like accepting that my relationships were going to change. So I ran into this stranger and she was like, “So have you gotten to know him?” About my son. “Have you gotten to know him?” And it was like, such a unique way of saying, like, you're building this relationship with this new little human. And, you know, because I just expected it to be great from the get go. That I'm just gonna love him so much, which of course I did, but it was something that we had to like, learn and work out, too. And then the dynamic with my husband was changing, too. And so you add, like, a third person into your little family. And that was a challenge as well, just kind of working out those details, right? As we moved along and as he got older,
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
I'm so glad you brought that up, because I think that's so important, this idea that you're instantly going to bond with your baby, and they're going to instantly be integrated into your family. And that's just not the reality. It is a new relationship. And you're a different person, and you're getting to know each other. And especially if you are struggling with depression or anxiety, or you're separated from your baby for whatever reason, or your birth didn't go as planned. Like, there are a million reasons why you might not feel instantly bonded, right? And that's okay. And that's normal. And it takes time to build that relationship.
Jess Tims:
Yeah. And I'm so glad you said that, because what I was thinking, too, was because I had infertility and I had tried for so long. It was almost like, I felt this pressure. I wanted this so bad and now I have it, so it must be great, right? It must be perfect. It must be all the things because I wanted it for so long. And there was almost like a shame there. On the days that were really hard. Because it was like this pressure of like, “but I wanted this!” And I think I've heard that from other women who have experienced infertility, that you have this pressure. And if anybody is listening to this, and you feel that, like it's okay to have bad days, and to work out the kinks, like it is a life-long relationship that you're gonna keep building on. And yeah, it doesn't have to be like rainbows all day, every day.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Gosh, and just that, like that we're human. And there is no, like steady state of being. You can hold the gratitude and the love and also the struggle. Yeah, and all of that can be true at the same time.
So it sounds like when you were able to recognize that you were struggling with your mood and anxiety, you were able to kind of turn a corner and get some help. What did that look like for you?
Jess Tims:
Yeah, so a couple of key components really worked together, like when I'm able to look back on it. So first that big day when I looked at the pamphlet, like Oh my gosh, this is me. Because it's things that you don't think of or that we as a society, just say like, oh, newborn, right, like, not sleeping, having crazy dreams. I would have dreams that wolves were eating my baby, just crazy dreams - IF I could sleep. And then all these things. I didn't go out on a walk with him for over 14 days, like two weeks, I couldn't even go outside. Because I was just scared. So I went and saw my doctor, and she's fantastic. And she just looked at me and she knew I needed to hear the hard truth. And she's like, “you can't heal, like your hormones can't heal until you start sleeping." And so until you start sleeping, you can't get rid of this”. And I was like, well, what if I don't wake up and he's crying?! And she's like, you will definitely hear him. Like, you're definitely gonna hear that baby. So then having to put the logistics together. And she really helped us put together a plan, like this is when you're going to sleep, this is when Josh, my husband, is going to feed him a bottle, like all the logistics of what healing looks like. And then the other really helpful component was we were very lucky that we have a really good friend who happened to be our neighbor. It comes naturally to her to care for people. But she would just leave me things at the door, like she would leave me breakfast sandwiches in the morning, or cookies like midway through the day, or just little things. And once she left it, she would just send me a text like, hey, there's something for you. And it was so supportive, and loving without the pressure of having people in my house and in my space. And, you know, like, of course, everybody wants to come hold the baby, which is great, but like, I just needed other things, too, Like meals and just little things. So those two things really shifted. And I really felt loved and supported from those little things. And then I also had this plan of like, okay, I knowwhen I'm going to sleep. And from there, everything started to turn around, which was great.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What was it like for you to go back to work? Or if you made the decision to leave the workforce? What was that decision like for you?
Jess Tims:
Yeah, so I will kind of back up a little bit and talk about like, even getting the extension was such a challenge. And it almost felt like nobody knew how to help me in that, because I was dealing with insurance, and I had great insurance, but it was still like jumping through so many hoops. So when I finally was able to get the extension I really was, like, so grateful. But then I also felt guilty, like my work expected me to be back and my team and I'm not back. So there was kind of dealing with that. And then once I did finally go back in the office, part of it was nice, because I was able to get into a routine and get back into like, my own little space, right and like, have something that brought me joy. I was an auditor, and I loved my work. And I loved the people that I worked with. But there was something in me that I don't even know how to explain, like, I left a part of me at home every day. And truly like my true life's calling - and not just my experience, but there are a lot of other things in my background that have led me to do what I do now. Like, I knew that auditing wasn't my forever career. And so it kind of was then building to this pinnacle moment thinking I'm leaving my heart at home, I'm coming into work every day for something that isn't what I want to be doing forever. And so it was, again, like, I go back to the “I found myself” moment of having to look at what really mattered for me, and where I was spending my time every day. And was it worth it. And so fast forwarding, then we were lucky that COVID happened because I could work from home. And then we were able to like, relocate and move. And then that move enabled me to start my own business. And then here I am now! So while in the moment, it was really challenging it, it kind of helped shifted everything really to where we're at today,
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, that decision to go back to work all that - all the practical and emotional components of that are so complicated.
Jess Tims:
It's so complicated! I was super lucky because I had my own office. So like I had my little mini fridge, I did exclusive pumping, I was very, very lucky to be able to exclusively pump. So there definitely were highlight moments and that was one of them. But you know, you have to like carve out the time to do that and like, bring all this stuff with you. And like you just I would say for anybody, you know, looking forward to that, like going back to work, be okay asking for what you need. Right? Like be okay asking for the time that you need, the space that you need. And then take it and don't feel guilty for it because it is worth it. It's just you need to make it work for you.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
It's so tough, but one of the most beautiful things that can come out of it is like in your story where you get this clarity around what is most important to you and how to fit work and your life and your family together. It sounds like that's what happened for you, going back to this theme of finding yourself, like you got clarity of what you really value and where you want it to go in, like a forever career
Jess Tims:
100% Yes, that's exactly it.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
How did the idea of self-care shift for you during that first year?
Jess Tims:
That’s such a great question. So it's so funny because I never really gave up my self-care routine. So I still was able to work out in the mornings. And I think part of that was because I wanted everything to still be perfect. Right? I still know I need to, like, have my time in the morning and workout. And so I was lucky that I was able to keep that. And then it just kind of shifted once I was now having a perspective of like healing. And I'm like, Okay, well, this is now for healing, not because I want everything to be perfect. But something that I still struggle with, I mean, we are almost four years into this. And I still struggle with stepping away for longer than a few hours, right. So like, being able to go and take time to really truly like unplug, and like go do whatever it is - whether it's like going and having a massage or… I'm still working on that. Because it's like you feel like as a mom, like you're the only one who can do certain things. But you can't give up that time, right.? And that self-care, because you have to be a whole mama to be able to like give the best to your little one. So it's still something I'm working on. And yeah, but the as far as like the daily routine of like, keeping like my workouts and stuff, I definitely kept that around. And I'm glad that I did and was able to.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Eve Rodsky, the author of Fair Play, talks about giving yourself permission to be unavailable. And that's what I think of - it's so hard for us as moms to give ourselves that permission. And then when we do, also giving ourselves the permission to not feel guilt and shame around it. There is definitely a journey of being able to get to that point.
Jess Tims:
And yeah, absolutely. And being able to trust whoever is going to care for your little one while you are away. Like that's where my challenge is highest, trusting that he's fine. He's gonna be fine. And he's, it's better for him right to like, be cared by multiple people. So that's something I still work on.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, absolutely. Same here, one of the mantras I adopted when I made the decision to put my kids in childcare was reminding myself, they have more people now who love them. More people in their lives that love them now. And that's only a good thing, right?
Jess Tims:
Absolutely. Yes.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What makes you feel proud about your first year as a mother?
Jess Tims:
I love that question. I’m really proud that my husband and I stayed open in our communication. And our relationship now is so strong. And I'm so proud of that. And it wasn't easy, right? Like we both had our own expectations and our own ways of doing things. And you're both, you know, we're both faced with, like, these new challenges that neither of us have ever done before. And we committed to staying open and being able to share with each other, like through the hard things and what wasn't working and being open to like changing the way we're doing things from, like, who's changing diapers to like, where we're gonna live with our whole family, and just stayed open. And that's something that continues to serve us.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, openness, and it sounds like flexibility, like adaptability.
Jess Tims:
Yeah. And that was a big one for us. So when I did decide to go back to work, because we looked at like the numbers and thought like, could I not go back? He was the one who ended up working part-time and watching our son. We had tried to find care and it just wasn't working out. And so he ended up, he made the decision of like totally being flexible and stayed home for the rest of that first year until we moved. And I stopped working and then started my business. But yeah, so it's been flexibility on both sides.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Is there a moment or a period of time that sounds stands out most to you looking back?
Jess Tims:
It's so wild that first year. There's so many changes that happen. You go from like, this brand new little baby to like almost walking, or walking child who's like eating solid foods. It's crazy. So there's a lot. A lot of moments and I was very grateful to, like have so many of those moments. But the other one that comes up for me right now is when we had our first blowout. So like, if that term is not familiar to you, Baby blow out, or when the diaper cannot accommodate all of the stuff coming out of the baby. So we were so proud of ourselves, and we took him out, we were just getting lunch at like a restaurant down the street that we like, walked in the stroller and we got there, and we order food, we're so happy to be out in public. He was probably only like four months old. And he totally has this huge blowout. And we didn't have the diaper bag with us. Of course, right, like new parent moment, like 101! And so we don't have the diaper bag. Luckily, we're super close from home. So my husband runs home. But I have this baby who's a total mess. And I'm like, what? Can I get some more napkins? Like, what do I do? And he luckily did not care. But it just was such this moment, I will never forget, because I'm like, I felt in that moment, anybody else would handle this differently, but the reality is, it's gonna happen in one way or another to everyone. And it was just so funny. And it's like those things, right? Like those moments where you like, there's nothing you can do, you can't make it this a perfect moment. And you just learn, right? Like we never left home without the diaper bag again.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Lesson learned, notes taken! Yes, like a classic, almost like universal parent initiation.
Jess Tims:
And there's like, so many of those things that happen, you just truly are, like you said earlier, we're all human. And that first year really like brings that back. And you can feel like the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And you're also just dealing with human things like eating and sleeping and pooping, right? But it's a big, a big job.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, it really does kind of take you back to the basics, and does simplify and clarify your life in these really interesting ways. And that kind of brings me to my next question - going back to you finding yourself in motherhood - and how would you describe the person that you found? And how that was different from who you were before?
Jess Tims:
That's such a beautiful question. And I'm so grateful that I can finally answer that question, because for a long time, I wouldn't have been able to. Because I found that I was living for everyone else. And motherhood forced me to finally answer the question like, who am I? And what do I want. And I had never asked that before, I was always you know, living for other people doing what other people thought I should be doing. You know, really, like, I would walk into a room and just want to make sure that everyone else was having a good time. And while like, that was happy and great, it just never fed my soul in what I want. And so, motherhood forced me to find that, and, you know, not only in like what I do for a career, but just how I show up for my son every day and like, you know, you are forced to ask really hard questions of like, just your values. How are you gonna raise this little human and what is important to you? And I finally had the opportunity to really examine that and you know, it's, it's such a great place to work from now. Because I can confidently know. This is who I am. And this is what is important to me. And I can mother from that place, rather than trying to make somebody else happy.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
We're always growing and learning in motherhood and being able to do that knowing you have this kind of North Star of who you are and what is important to you for yourself and your family.
Jess Tims:
Yeah, that's such a good way to say it because, you know, when you think forward through a child's life like so, so much changes. And you're always on to like the next thing like, what is his new challenge? They're eating solid foods, and then they're learning how to walk, and then they're going to be in school, like all these things. And it can feel really overwhelming when you think from that way, but when you can just go back to your inner North Star and what are your values and what matters to you and your family, and then you operate from there it is just much more of a grounding place, Because any challenge that comes forward now is like, well, how do we handle this like, well, what’s important? So.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yes, grounding. Tell me about your son’s first birthday.
Jess Tims:
So his first birthday was during COVID. It’s so crazy. So he was 9 months old when the full lockdown happened. So we had the true, like Zoom, everybody on a Zoom call birthday. But while it was untraditional, it gave us the day to be together. Which was so special. We had that little party and then we went to the beach and it was so fun. And now, planning a fourth birthday, I’m able to go big and get all the theme and the decorations and all that stuff, but his first birthday was just us. And I loved it.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What feelings came up for you on his first birthday?
Jess Tims:
I kind of had this feeling of disbelief. Like, how did we make it here? Because so much does change and, you know, we really had been through so much with his surgery and the pandemic and figuring out what works looks like, and we didn’t have support, it was just my husband and I both working while trying to figure out also, how to raise a human. AND I just remember this, I was studying for this huge exam for work and trying to get this certification so there was that component also. So it was this moment of just disbelief. Wow, we did it, we’re here. And it does go by so fast, even though so much happens.
We had tried for over two years and we even were going to adopt and started going through the adoption process and realized that was not for us, and we came to the point of saying we weren’t going to have kids. So going from that point to then being at one year in, and really coming back to myself - I always knew I wanted to be a mom. So that decision to not have kids was one that I didn’t want, I was living for everyone else saying “oh it’s not meant to be”, but I really wanted to be a mom. So it was another “I found myself moment”.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What words of encouragement or wisdom do you have for moms who are in it right now?
Jess Tims:
Yes, such a valuable question. I’m so grateful that this podcast exists, because there’s a lot of information and resources out there about delivery and like preparing for that, but there’s not a lot for that first year, so this podcast is so special.
The words I have would be, be okay with asking for help. You don’t need to ask for help ahead of time, you can ask for it in the moment and that’s okay. Because I kind of felt like, for me, I didn’t schedule for grandparents to come visit or anything ahead of time because I didn’t know what I would want. And then once I got there I didn’t feel like I could ask for help. But it’s okay, and people want to help you. And then when you do ask for help be very clear about the help that you want. It’s okay to ask for people to come and do the laundry and the dishes, or whatever, anything you need help with.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Can you tell us a little bit more about your business and how you support women in their motherhood journeys?
Jess Tims:
Yeah, so I am a holistic fertility specialist, which mean that I support women who are looking to get pregnant, who are ready to be moms. And I am a supplement to your already existing framework. So people sometimes ask me “oh, do I see you instead of my OB?” And the answer is no, you see your OB and then I support in filling in the gaps. I work one-on-one with people looking at their whole lifestyle. Where are the gaps that might be impacting your hormones, or on the male feritility side. how can we manage that?
And I also support women how have experienced loss - pregnancy loss or infant loss. And really processing that so that they can move forward in a positive way.
In my business I work one-on-one with couples and women. And then I also have courses. So a lot of the challenge with infertility is that we have a huge lack of education as far as female hormones and our cycles and what it really takes to get pregnant. So if you are finding yourself just really struggling to conceive and you feel like you are tired of searching the internet, I have virtual courses that are jam packed with research-backed info and you can get everything you need in one place to help problem solve for you. And all of my courses come with a live component somehow with me so we can tailor your questions and make sure you’re getting what you need. So that’s what I do!
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
That’s amazing. Thank you Jess. I have learned so much from you and from following your instagram and your website, so I’m so excited to have you here, both sharing your story and sharing this information so that people. can connect because the resources you provide are so valuable. Where can people find you to connect?
Jess Tims:
I’m online at fertilityjess - you can find me on all social media platforms and at fertilityjess.com and all of the resources are there.
So thank you for saying that. I feel like for the fertility piece, we look at our doctors and then… the internet. Unfortunately there’s a big gap. So being able to work with someone one-on-one is something that I wish I had, so that’s how this whole thing started.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Are there any supports or resources that you wish you’d had access to that you’d want to share about?
Jess Tims:
If I did it again, which I’m not going to, we are a one and done family! I would seek some kind of postpartum support. Being now in this space and being able to connect with amazing practitioners - I would have definitely gotten a postpartum doula, there are also doulas and other services that will do postpartum meals and I would have done that. And I would have sought out someone like you, Molly, who would have specialized in my anxiety disorder at the time. Because even in that, I feel like my healing was so much slower and incomplete, but if you can get that very specialized support in the moment, the resources are out there. I’m happy they’re becoming more available. But those are the things I would have definitely done differently.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yes, shout it from the rooftops!
There’s this whole world of postpartum support out there, that really, I don’t think people know about almost until they are there. So yes, any chance I get, I say, there are all these supports! Know about it from the beginning so you can access it when you’re there.
Thank you so much Jess, for sharing parts of your story. I’m so touched by your journey of self-discovery, adaptability, and clarity. Really finding yourself in motherhood is so beautiful, and this is just the beginning!
Jess Tims:
Absolutely, thank you so much for inviting me on. It’s such an honor to have this conversation and I hope that this podcast continues to serve women as they journey into their first year.
