5. Anna: Trust, endurance, and self-love in the first year with a heart baby | Episode 5
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Anna is a mother of two who thought her motherhood and her family might resemble a 90s sitcom. All of that changed when she received completely unexpected and life-changing news after her first daughter's newborn screening. In this episode, Anna shares about the challenges her family faced with 3 open heart surgeries in 4 years, the impact of postpartum depression and anxiety on her husband, and the trust, endurance, and self-love that Anna found in her first year as a mother.
Anna talks about:
How she made peace with unexpected challenges and unknowns in the first year of motherhood
Making medical appointments family-centered events to bring her family closer
Different challenges with a second child
Committing to her marriage and her own self-love through better or worse
Resources:
Caring for Your Mental Health When Your Baby is in the NICU
Five Helpful Tips for Bonding with Your Baby in the NICU
From Anna:
Anna’s instagram: @wattermom1815
Transcript:
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Thanks for being here with me today. Our guest today is Anna, a mother of two who received unexpected news at her first born’s newborn screening - news that changed her life and threw her expectations out the window. Anna shares with us about finding peace and how putting your family at the center of everything has allowed for connection and joy even in really tough times. I can't wait for you to hear Anna's story of trust, endurance and self love in the first year. Anna, thank you so much for joining us for the podcast.
Anna:
Thank you for having me. Molly.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Tell us a little bit about yourself and your family.
Anna:
My name is Anna, I live in San Luis Obispo with my husband and my two children, Lilly, who's eight and Quinn, who's five.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What three words would you use to describe your first year of motherhood?
Anna:
I would definitely say trust, endurance and self-love were three main things that I experienced, through both the first years of Lilly and Quinn.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
I love those descriptions. I'm really looking forward to hearing more about how each of those played in with both of their first years. What was the model in your head of motherhood? What did you think that your first years would be like?
Anna:
My mother was a stay-at-home mom. So I got to see her flourish in the home. Whether it was you know, waking me up every day, providing breakfast, cooking, cleaning, keeping the home, you know. I also pictured, being a kid of the 90s, like, I watched a lot of family sitcoms, and I thought about like, my milk supply with my babies, like everything was going to work for me, because nothing really bad had happened to me growing up. So I was like, alright, I'm gonna have all the breast milk, I'm going to have a great pregnancy, I'm going to have the quintessential, perfect birth. And that's what I anticipated.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
So yeah, like, why would anything go wrong? That’s, it's never depicted, right?
Anna:
No, it's not depicted at all.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
And so how well did your reality match up with that expectation?
Anna:
It wound up being so drastically different. With Lilly, it was 2015, I had a very healthy pregnancy. I had my water broke at 6am. I progressed very quickly, delivered her with no medication, like at 10 o'clock in the morning. So within five hours, we were you know, bing, bam, boom baby’s in our hands. She's nine pounds. She's only a day over her due date. Everything seemed to be what I expected, what I anticipated. And then we were doing the newborn screening. And I worked in the hospital in the cafeteria, so I knew a lot of the staff so I felt very at home. And the pulse ox screening failed like, three times and the nurse was like, “Oh, I think there's something wrong with my machine” And I said okay. And then people started coming in and out of the room, a little bit worried. They went and took her and did an echocardiogram on her heart. Because what the pulse ox does, it traces how much oxygen is in your blood. And for newborn it should be 99 to 100% saturated with oxygen. And hers was at 97. And even though that's like a 3% difference, like that's significant for a newborn.
So we get her back from her echo, they send the pictures off to a doctor. And a nurse comes in - who I knew very well, she was head of NICU was like, “Anna, this is life or death. And I need to take Lilly up to the NICU to get her on a medication to keep a certain valve open, because she's got severe heart defects.” And in that moment, my husband dropped to the floor and was hysterical. And I knew that I needed to just stay calm and centered, and allow my husband to fall apart. Because I knew that she was going into hands I trusted, but he didn't know that. So fast forward a couple of days, we get flown to UCLA, she gets excavated, which she was able to breathe on her own. Her heart defects weren't as severe as they were shown in the beginning. But we still needed to have open heart surgery within the 12 days of her life.
So then Lilly went on to having three open heart surgeries in the course of the first four years, so in the first year, she had two. And a lot for me, I wanted to make sure I was strong enough for my child, you know. I wasn't in a bed resting, I was in a wheelchair or walking around the hospital, I'm going back and forth from the room, to the NICU, to allowing people in, pumping, using donor milk, using formula, like all the different things. And at that point, our kid wasn't even our kid, it was UCLA kid. They were the one in control. They were the one taking care of her 24 hours, you know.
And so when we had Quinn, two and a half years later, we're like, yes, we get a do-over, we get to bring home a newborn. And even with that came with a bunch of struggles, my husband got a fever. So I'm in the hospital with Quinn, for four days by myself. He's at home recovering, his mental health started to kick in. And he started to suffer that first year, like very physically. So now I'm Mom and Dad, I'm supporting my husband who's fighting every day to get through his demons. I've got a heart, baby, I've got a newborn, we also moved to another town within the first month of Quinn's life. So we just never had that, you know, sitcom, bringing home a baby and being in bed and being doted on and having you know, your partner be able to be 100%. And it was, it was just hard. And that's where that endurance comes in. When I talk about like, those three words, endurance to keep waking up every day and choosing your family, yourself, and pushing through every day.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. Yeah, just the intensity of having to rush past really that rest and recovery period. The immediate demands on you and your husband, to like, kick into crisis mode, right? And this is not something that you saw coming, you had no idea this was coming.
Anna:
No idea. No time to like, put your finances together. No time to, you know, figure out if there's local charities in your town that can help support you through this. Even just getting the word out to your community, like we need… you know, like you, you become very humbled in that moment, when people start a GoFundMe for you. And you're getting 1000s of dollars. And you're just like, some people don't even know us, they only know us by our name of like, of a family member and they're just dropping lots of money into that GoFundMe. And you're just, you're so humbled and you're so thankful.
But then with Quinn, it was kind of this silent thing, nobody was, you know, hurt. No one's in the hospital, but we're still struggling, you know, with the mental health part of it. And even at that time in 2018, mental health was still like, on the brink of being accepted to talk about for men and for a father for that first year, like, you know, they're expected to provide financially and socially and emotionally. But what happens when they can't? That was our second kind of trauma, was having to take over and support him in that first year of Quinn's life.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. There just isn't a lot of the same recognition of men's mental health in the postpartum and early parenting years. And yeah, it just, it sounds like a lot of what you're talking about, I think will be so familiar to a lot of listeners of even just being a second-time parent. Even without any of these extra challenges that you were facing, like a second-time mom still needs support. Right? Like it's still new. And sometimes that piece is missing of like, Oh, you got it like you've done this before.
Anna:
Absolutely not. Well, with Lilly, she came home programmed, the NICU had her on a schedule. She knew what she liked to eat. We knew everything - she was, you know, pre-programmed. Then we brought Quint home. And I was like, I've never brought home a month old, a first month old, Lilly really was two months old. So I'm like, how do I program this baby? How do I make sure she latches on me properly? How do I… like, what if she doesn't like my breast and my breast milk? And what if she doesn't like formula or, you know, going through the different bottles like, I didn't go through that. So that was another huge hit to that first year with the second baby - they're a completely different human being. It's not the same experience, regardless of the heart stuff and the mental health. Like they're two different human beings.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What you're describing is so familiar to me, because my first was in the NICU. And when she came home, you know, they do the coordinated cares where she was eating every three hours. And she was, she was also sedated. Even when she came home. She was on medication where she was sedated. And so we had this kind of like, easy breezy once she was home, baby. And then we brought our second home, you know, immediately from the hospital. And we're like, this is really hard.
Anna:
Very hard.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Why is she crying? Like, why? Why does she want to eat so frequently? Like it's just, it is a totally different experience!
Anna:
Absolutely. There was definitely no sleep with the second one. At all.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
And then I think it was the second night. It was just brutal, right? And then like we got through it. And then a few days later, I found this insert from the hospital - because they send home all this stuff with you, you know, and you're like, I don't know what this is, I'll deal with this later. Like, I can't even like see straight I'm so tired. And then the insert is like, “the second night is the hardest.” I'm like that would have been good to know. Definitely did not know. So you face these challenges that you didn't anticipate.
And you mentioned that with Lilly, just like all these different attempts to feed her. So like pumping, donor milk, formula. Tell me more about how you fed your babies in that first year.
Anna:
With Lilly, so I was 25 at the time. And they started with SNS with donor milk because she was born in the hospital, I was allowed to use donor milk at the hospital I give birth at. So we tried SNS, and she latched on and it was great. So then my milk started coming in like later that day, next day. Of course they have you pumping just to stimulate and keep her to breast as well. But then when we got the news that she needed to go to the NICU, then I went strictly to pumping and she was on donor milk. But then once she went to UCLA, since she wasn't born there, she had to go to formula. So whatever I was pumping, they were giving to her, but they had to supplement with formula because I was not producing enough. I think in the first six months I produced like 75% of what she needed and then needed to supplement with formula. After six months, seven months, my milk was not fatty enough. And it just started to deplete. It just wasn't sufficing her so I said, you know what? I'm okay with it. My mental health is more important than what I'm feeding my baby. Whether it's breast milk or formula. My husband, on the other hand, had kind of this idea in his head, like, you know, I'm gonna make sure my wife goes the distance with breast milk and pump or, you know, all of that and I had to kind of sit him down and say, honey, it's okay that she's on formula. She's been on formula and I did enough. I can't push myself any further or neither myself or my kid are going to be okay. So with Quinn, same thing, probably even less, I don't think I produced enough for her for the first five months, and was fortifying with formula. And I happily went to Hawaii for a wedding. And then my mom had her for 12 days and sleep trained her and helped me have that really nice weaning moment. And I came back and she was like, totally happy with the bottle and formula and it was smooth, smooth sailing from there.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
I think what you said was really powerful, “I did enough”.
Anna:
I did enough.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What was sleep like, in the first years?
Anna:
Lilly was great. She loved to be left alone, which was fine. She had some indigestion. So she slept in the 4mom next to me at an angle for like the first three months. But then after that, I was able to put her down in her crib. But that's a NICU baby. They're used to just being alone. So again, very nice. Um, but Lilly had some nightmares, I think from the anesthesia and going through two open heart surgeries, she would wake up in the middle of the night and just be unaware that I was in the room and she would just be screaming. So that was a little tough to watch her know that I can't wake her up. But I would just hold her hand. And you know, just speak kind words and just be soft with her and help her kind of make her way back down. To lay down and fall back asleep.
Quinn was a leech and she didn't want to get off of me. And I needed to be touching her or she had to be touching me. So we co-slept very long, like for the first year she was in the co-sleeper within reach. It was hard to transition her to the crib. So sleeping with her, not getting a lot of sleep, pacifying her with my boob, even though there was no milk. That was really hard. That was really hard.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah, that cumulative, buildup of sleep deprivation, when you have a child in your bed, you're like, “this is gonna help, we're all gonna sleep! And then like, No, we don't, we don't sleep.
Anna:
Well, you're like sleeping at an angle, and you're sleeping with one eye open, and you can hear everything. And you're just on edge. And then you wake up, you're not rested. So then you're snapping more during the day, your patience is thinner. And then you don't feel as present. So then the guilt comes on. And then you're just feeling guilty all day. And then you have to do it all over again. Every single day until your kid figures it out. Yeah, getting her into the room with her sister. When she was a good year and a half. She was like, Oh, I'm in the room with my sister. I'm not alone. So that first year and a half was torture.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. And I think so many moms can relate to that sleep deprivation, and just the amount of like, irritation that comes with that, which you described. And on top of that, you are also going through these really stressful surgeries, medical procedures. I imagine just learning more all the time about what was going on with Lily. What was that like for you and what helped to get through that?
Anna:
Having to go to Lilly's appointments every three months, bring Quinn along with me. It wasn't just for Quinn. It was for all of us, like Quinn needed to learn what was going on with Lilly. It kind of made it an activity for us as a family, you know, these trips. And we just kept it very family-centered and making it a positive experience. I had spoke with a lot of families that struggled coming back to to their appointments because of the trauma and they just every weekend was hard for them. But for us as a family. It was like cool. We're away from work. We're away from everyone else at home. We can be here we can focus on us for and learn something new about Lilly and thankfully Lilly's journey was very stable and positive and which kept us staying positive and grounded. And then Lilly had something also to share with Quinn as well. So we got to see their bond get closer. Through every procedure Quinn was there. And even through one of the biggest surgeries Lily was four and Quinn was about two -she really relied on her sister when she got home. And for a two year old to be able to help her four year old sister through things like it… It just allowed us to know we were doing the right thing, like keeping it family-centered, and focusing just on us and not anybody outside of our circle.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What was it like for you to go back to work? Or if you decided to take a pause or leave the workforce, what was that decision like for you?
Anna:
Going back to work. I'm a talker, and I love people. I thrive being in the workforce. Funny that I say that because I loved my home, my mom was a stay at home mom, I think, I like the weekend, it's two days, and I get to go back to work on Monday because I need human interaction. So it wasn't as much the mom guilt of like leaving them behind. But kind of like that I enjoyed work too much. That I enjoyed being away from the home. But then there were the times, you know, my husband and I worked opposite shifts. So he had her in the morning. It's so easy the morning, they wake up so happy and loving. And they love their breakfast and their morning activities. And you can be on the couch and relax. And then by the time I get home at three, he goes off to work and I've got dinner, bath time chores, this prep for the next day, I'm getting that hard evening shift with the kids that I don't get to just relax on the couch and do nothing and have them happy when they wake up. I'm getting that, you know, witching hour child. So that was really rough, that I was missing out on the fun positive that my husband got to have. And then I was just getting, you know, the hard part of the day. And we were already going through so much with her already. I was like why can't I, you know, get to enjoy the good parts of her. So that was really difficult. For Quinn, I really felt guilty leaving both of them with my husband who was battling every day to just be okay with a newborn and a two year old. So I came home, I worked part-time, so I only work from like eight to noon. That was my husband's threshold. So again, still not getting that, you know, that happy time with the kids. I'm getting the end of the day having to do you know, more than I, you know, did in the first first year of Lilly's life. So work wasn't much of an escape for me because I I just wanted to be home to make sure everyone was okay. So the second time around was a little bit harder.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
How did the idea of self-care shift for you in the first years?
Anna:
For the first year I was very on top of it, like I told my family hey, if I go into postpartum depression, these are the signs, you let me know, hey, we're worried about you, get me services, get me whatever I need. I was very on top of it. Because I knew I was going into something that was going to radically change everything about me. It was going to test how I reacted to situations how I reacted to you know what the doctors were telling me. And being that I didn't get to go home to my bed and be doted on, I'm in the hospital. So was very on top of it. The nurses also helped me show myself love by forcing us to leave the NICU and go laugh and go have a cocktail with my husband, and, you know, leave during shift change so that they can do their work and we wouldn't annoy them and go see a movie. And you know, if if we can't take care of ourselves and we just wallow in all of the worry, then our kid doesn't have a stable parent to come home to. So if she's fighting for her life in the NICU, I need to fight for my life outside of the NICU as well. So with Quinn, I kind of went hyperfocused and went a little overboard. I was consumed with taking care of my husband and my kids and making sure that the house was perfect, and that everything physical was fine except for myself, because there was no time to think about my mental health, or my self-love, because I needed to make sure my husband could fight every day for himself and my kids were good. There was nothing left for me. So the second time around was way difficult. And it took me a while to kind of bring myself back around to what I learned the first year.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
How do you think you were able to do that? What helped you turn that corner?
Anna:
I think, looking at my kids, like, there's such a reminder of keeping things simple. And bringing it back to themselves. Like something so little can make them laugh, something so little can make them smile. Their needs for themselves are so simple, right? Good food, laughter, water, and shelter. And then we forget, as adults like, oh, this, like, I don't need to go get my nails done every day, I don't need to blow out, I don't need to like have great dinners every night. I just need like the simple things, I need to laugh with my kids, I need to drink lots of water. So slowly, as my husband got better, I was able to also allow him to let me lean on him. And also kind of taking notes on like his therapy sessions, kind of use those for my benefit. Then my friends started having kids. So then I was then I was leaning on them. And I was like, I don't know how I'm doing this. Like, how are you guys doing this? Because for a long time, I was the only mom in the group. And so once they started having kids, it was about the same time my second was born. So I relied on my friends and was able to be very vulnerable with them. And there was some things on Instagram that I would find helpful. And yeah, just it took a lot of time. It took a little bit longer than I'd hoped. But definitely just looking inward a little bit more helped kind of get out of my funk.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. Sounds like being able to find some of that presence and perspective, which kids are really good at reminding us of.
Anna:
Absolutely.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What makes you feel proud about your first year as a mother?
Anna:
I'm proud that I learned a lot from Lilly. She showed me resilience and to stay present in each moment, which I later than, you know, revisited when I was struggling with Quinn. She endured the most trauma that I'd ever seen in my life. And it was an incredible example for me that if she could get through those moments, and with such like tenacity, too - like, it was incredible to watch - that I knew that the the things that I was facing were not as hard as what she faced and that I could do them. I can get through them.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Is there a moment or a period of time that stands out most to you looking back?
Anna:
I think making peace with death. If my daughter was going to die from her heart defects, or the surgery, I made peace with that I had to make that decision very quickly. Because this was something that I couldn't control that was happening to her but it was also her destiny, her destiny at the same time. Like she was born with this. And if this was the thing that was going to take her then that made sense to me. Like her, you know, getting in a car accident and dying. That wouldn't make sense to me because it didn't you know, it didn't correlate so making peace with that very quickly. That stood out to me, you know, because most parents don't have to make that decision on their babies are born.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Yeah. And pretty immediately, pretty quickly having to think through like, here's this brand new baby I’ve been waiting for, and already being faced with the possibility of losing her.
Anna:
Yeah, and not knowing if that was the day they took her up to the NICU, 12 days later at her first operation, seven months at her second operation, four years old with her third? Or just you know, she has a heart attack one day, you know, in her 50s. Who knows, you know, but I had to make peace with it because it was happening to her, it was a consistent thing that could take her from me.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
So often it’s a really difficult decision to make to have another child - and even more so when you have a medically complex child. What was that decision like for your family?
Anna:
We went to a doctor to make sure, to see if we could have known about Lilly’s heart defects before delivery. And because of the standard of care, the images did not show any defects. So we were like, okay. The outcome would have been the same. So for Quinn, we went to a high-risk OBGYN, we had an in utero echocardiogram, we did an extensive anatomy scan, we did ALL the blood tests. Because with Lilly, we did genetic testing to see why she had heart defects and the genetic tests came back that it wasn’t from either my husband or myself. It just was a turn of nature. No explanation. They did say there was a 5% increase of having another heart baby. So we decided, if we are going to have another baby, we’re going to go through all the hoops prior, so that if it was a heart baby, we would be prepared. And then after that, if we did have two heart babies, we would be done having biological children. And if we wanted to further our family we would adopt, because we didn’t want to risk having a third, knowing what it all comes with. Not everyone is built to handle what these kids go through. And that’s okay. Being okay with not being able to do it is another hard thing for parents with medically fragile kids. Giving yourself permission to say that’s okay is totally fine.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
Tell me about your kids’ first birthdays.
Anna:
Oh my goodness. Lilly’s was, as you can image, big, 50 people, emotional, heart-themed of course. So thankfully, after Valentine’s Day we went to the clearance aisle and got everything heart decorations.
And we weren’t just celebrating her birthday, we were celebrating her survival. We made it a year. That’s huge. We didn’t anticipate that first day of her going into the NICU what that first year was going to look like. Was she going to make it to the first year? Was she going to be sick all the time? Was she going to be having more surgeries? We just had no idea. So we weren’t just celebrating the birthday, we were celebrating a whole year - of getting through two surgeries, and the happiness and the silliness and all of the love that came with it as well. And even our growth, as young 25 year old having a baby! I think back at it now and I’m like, we were babies having babies and going through all that! And we’re still married! You know? We watched a lot of parents at the hospital split and not be able to handle it. And that is a testament to your commitment through better or worse - that was worse! That was that moment, and even with Quinn, with my husband suffering. With her birthday, he was having such a hard time to be present. His anxiety was through the roof, his depression was debilitating. He was struggling to be present. And that just goes to show, when it’s the worst times, how far are you going to go to keep fighting to get back to the better? Through both years there were ups and downs and we made it through. So with Quinn’s first birthday, it was great to know that we made it. Quinn obviously doesn’t know the difference, she had her best friend, Lilly, there and her family. And we got the, you know, cute donuts, and I still made it special with donuts and stuff, but it definitely had a different meaning for us as parents in the first year of her life.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What words of encouragement or wisdom do you have for moms who are in it?
Anna:
All trauma is trauma. No matter how little or big in comparison to one another. We are all allowed to grieve what we expected and what we were hoping for. We’re allowed to have bad thoughts, as long as we ask for help to move through it and not tuck it away. The more I talked about my story with Lily and the more I shared her surgeries, I felt more supported through my friends and my community. I reached out to a heart mom group, and we met up once a month and we all got to share our stories and support one another. Financially, if you’re struggling, or emotionally, there are county support services. Tell your doctor, tell your OB that something doesn’t feel right. Even if it’s the smallest thing. You’ve never been through this before, you don’t know if something is off. So just tell your doctor. Tell your friend, tell someone in a chatroom for moms. Even if it’s anonymous, say it out loud. It’s okay.
Nothing can change unless you advocate for yourself, or have your best friend, boss, spouse. Anyone in your life who is willing to help, lean on them and take them up on the support. Don’t go, yeah, yeah, I know you’re there. Take them up on it. Because you never know, they might have the right thing that you’ve been waiting for, or the right words that you’ve been waiting to hear them say. Or just the permission of saying, your intrusive thoughts are normal. But what’s not normal is if you allow them to consume you. And I’m someone who has tons of intrusive thoughts, all the time. And I know to just be like, okay, they’re not real, I have control over the situation. And I fill my husband in later on.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
I’m so touched by hearing you talk about your story, with both of your girls. And I really do feel that trust, endurance, and self-love talking about this with you. So I really appreciate your vulnerability and your wisdom in sharing that with other moms.
Do you have any resources that you want to share?
Anna:
Yes! If you’re in San Luis Obispo county, there’s an amazing organization called Jack’s Helping Hand. They have supplied us with gas and hotels for every appointment for the last 8 years of Lilly’s life at UCLA. So if you’re not in San Luis Obispo, reach out to your local government, look for charities, put into instagram or facebook like a hashtag of what you’re going through and you will find something out there that’s local to you. And take it! It’s okay to take that help.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
That’s a great point, there are so many resources out there that are for the purpose of supporting people who are going through this. So pushing through any kind of discomfort about that and accessing them, because that’s what they’re there for.
Where can people find you to connect?
Anna:
You can find me at @wattermom1815 on instagram or Anna Watterworth on Facebook. My daughter, Lilly Evadena Watterworth, also has a facebook page and you can see her entire heart journey, espeically the first five years we documented quite a lot. So you’ll see some photos of her in the hospital that are kind of scary, but a lot of positive, happy faces as well.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci:
What an amazing support that you’ve created for other heart moms. I imagine that was also a healing part of your journey to be able to share that.
Anna:
Oh absolutely.
Molly Vasa Bertolucci: I hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as I did. If you loved this episode, please share it with a friend, review it, and subscribe to the podcast. Be sure to check out the show notes for links and information about any resources we mentioned in this episode. Thank you for listening.
